Since you people keep setting off the fire alarms, we need to go back to the on-campus cooking basics.  Chapter 1: Understanding Your Kitchen — Do you have access to an actual kitchen, or are you confined to the corner of your dorm room, balancing a hot plate on top of last week’s laundry? Either way, the most crucial step in any cooking endeavor is turning on the kitchen light. Nothing says “culinary catastrophe” like not being able to see the smoke. Chapter 2: Ramen — the holy grail of college cuisine. Before you even think about nuking that bowl...

By Grace Stevens • April 3, 2025 • Funnies

ACROSS 1 Winter neckwear 6 Chinese gambling mecca 7 Muse of poetry 8 Shower time 9 Mulligans DOWN 1 Makeup mishap 2 ___ diem: seize the day 3 “Pick ___” (magician’s command) 4 Proportion 5 With 8A Crossword answers  Connections answers 

By Phil Witmer-Rich • April 2, 2025 • Funnies Carlos Lichty • April 2, 2025 • Funnies

The number one thing that gets brought up when I tell people that I bought a moped is if I have a DUI. The answer is no, I don’t. I bought my moped, a 2006 Honda Ruckus, because it’s awesome, not because my license is suspended and I need some wheels.  So, other than the fact that I look freaking sweet while cruising around downtown Goshen on a vehicle that looks like it was welded together in the sculpture studio, why’d I get it? Honestly, I think I’m having a midlife crisis. I’m graduating this year and the world of...

By Seth Smith Kauffman • March 27, 2025 • Funnies

The Big “E” died on March 26, 2025, at the tender age of only a few weeks. The Big “E” served as a dedicated member of the word “Silverware” in the Rott for its entire life. It ended the word with gusto and loyally brought joy to every student who returned a dish. Anyone close to The Big “E” wouldn’t hesitate to say that it stood for something bigger, a greater purpose that transcends mere font size. In a mundane world of conformity, it was a beacon of hope. The Big “E” is survived by the rest of its community...

By Josiah Miller • March 27, 2025 • Funnies

Here at Goshen College, we have had some notable pranks to say the least. I propose we take it up a notch, I mean, we owe the past pranksters that much — with a lineup of historic goofs, we have big shoes to fill.  The Cow Series: Legend has it, a group of ambitious students once led a cow into the Science Building as well as Kulp residence hall, banking on the classic trick of animals refusing to go down stairs. The theory seemed sound, but they quickly ran into some problems. Cows also aren’t particularly keen on going upstairs....

By Grace Stevens • March 27, 2025 • Funnies

So you want to know about the day in the life of a squirrel? You’ve come to the right place then.  It’s 8 a.m., and I, Prat the Squirrel, am awake. Not from an alarm clock, no, I don’t do that. I’m an early riser by train, especially when it makes the air vibrate. Time to start my day with a nutritious breakfast: a mix of acorns I stashed away last fall, a few hard cookies I found on the ground and a half-eaten bagel. Ah, the joys of a college campus: good food and cheap rent. It’s getting close...

By Justin Dambruck • March 27, 2025 • Funnies

ACROSS 1 Low voice 5 Jar tops 9 Knight clubs 14 Keister, in Leicester 15 Cleveland’s lake 16 Low-budget prefix 17 Withered 18 Dost possess 19 Law enforcer in the Harry Potter universe 20 Campfire story, perhaps 23 Chamber workers: Abbr. 24 Wrath 25 Gangster’s gun 28 Propagation by sowing 31 Tummy muscles 34 Came up; “Hallelujah, Christ _____.” 36 Poem of praise 37 Seed covering 38 Less than a lot 42 Brian ____: GC director of facilities 43 Prince Valiant’s son 44 “Say cheese!” 45 Experiencing little to no romantic attraction, for short 46 Boneless chicken option 49 GC’s...

By Phil Witmer-Rich • March 27, 2025 • Funnies Brenton Pham • March 27, 2025 • Funnies Carlos Lichty • March 27, 2025 • Funnies

By Tyson Miller • March 13, 2025 • Funnies

Have you ever found yourself struggling with the complexities of eating cereal? Does your spoon technique lack finesse? Are you tired of your Cheerios splashing milk onto your shirt like some kind of breakfast-based betrayal? Well, worry no more — because now, for the low, low price of $199.99, you can enroll in “Advanced Spoon Techniques: The Art of Cereal Consumption,” a Masterclass that promises to revolutionize the way you eat breakfast. I am a self-proclaimed Cereal Sommelier and Spoon Aficionado, and this six-hour course dives deep into the subtle but essential skills required for an optimal cereal-eating experience.  The...

By Grace Stevens • March 13, 2025 • Funnies

I am writing to you today to express my overwhelming love for you. Words cannot express how you have changed my life, but I will try anyway. When I think of some of my best college memories, you have been there with me. On Wednesday nights, you gave me the energy to finish strong and keep grinding — The Record layout would not be possible without you. On Sunday mornings, when the world is spinning, you set me straight on the right path. You have been by my side the whole time.  You are so simple yet elegant. The first...

By Isaac Sawatzky • March 13, 2025 • Funnies

  ACROSS 1. Beeper 6. Don’t be _ ___ 7. Pancake topper 8. Arizona State’s city 9. Helpers:Abbr. DOWN 1. Noodles 2. “Now I remember” 3. Listerine targets 4. Blow 5. Lassos   Crossword answers    Connections answers

By Phil Witmer-Rich • March 13, 2025 • Funnies Carlos Lichty • March 13, 2025 • Funnies

By Aaliah Higareda • February 20, 2025 • Funnies

a frequent go-getter on campus, always runing around with my emotional support water bottle at my hip (her name is Mona by the way,) the bathroom always seems to be calling to me. In order to express my gratitude to the on-campus bathrooms, here are my top 10 bathrooms on campus:  Number 10: The Westlawn first-floor bathrooms. I say this because those are so overhyped — they are so small that you have to brace for impact because of how close the walls are, and the fact that it always smells like what Dugtrio (the Pokémon) looks like.  Number 9:...

By Angelica Carrillo • February 20, 2025 • Funnies

  Avoiding people is not a practice I take lightly. It is an art. As a predestined hermit, I will come out of my shell just this once to share the wondrous possibilities of avoiding human interaction at all costs.  The art of avoiding people is a life skill that can most effectively be utilized by introverts, but extroverts are also more than welcome to join the brigade.  Humans by nature are social creatures, I admit, and on a campus focused on tightly knit communities it can be hard to go anywhere without interacting with at least one person who...

By Ana Yoder • February 20, 2025 • Funnies

Ava Egolf, I’m a first-year at Goshen, figuring out what I want to major in — currently leaning towards “everything.” I play basketball here and can drive a manual if you don’t mind a few stalls. I also wake-surf when I manage to stay on the board. My ideal partner is funny, kind and honest, but also up for adventures like concerts, hockey games and line dancing. If you’re ready to embrace spontaneous fun and my questionable dance moves, we’ll get along just fine!   Damian Godman, I’m a first-year business major, running fast on the track and field team...

By Grace Stevens • February 13, 2025 • Funnies