Here’s your super bowl party guide. So you’re throwing one, which means you gotta feed a bunch of people who are gonna eat everything in sight and also make sure no one breaks your stuff when the referee makes a bad call. Also if your living room fits 10 people, invite like 30 because the super bowl is all about being packed in a tiny space sitting on the floor, or like an upside down laundry basket trying not to spill nachos everywhere. You also gotta invite that one friend who doesn’t even know what sport this is and keeps...

By Kyra Austen • February 6, 2025 • Funnies

Take the Time to Change Outfits: “I can’t evacuate in this hoodie, it’s pajama day!” No one cares. The fire doesn’t care. Leave in your Cookie Monster pjs. Run Back for Your Phone Charger: Yes, your phone is at 12%, but you know what’s worse? You being at 0% because you ran into a burning building for a $10 cable. Try to Assert Dominance Over the Fire: Standing in front of the flames with your arms crossed saying, “You don’t scare me,” will not make the fire back down. It is not a school bully; it does not care about...

By Grace Stevens • February 6, 2025 • Funnies

ACROSS 1. Folk wisdom 5. Confident way to solve crosswords 7.  Starbucks size 8. Artist’s stand 9. Forsaken DOWN 1 .Not prerecorded 2. Shaquille of the N.B.A. 3. Classic detergent brand 4. Keypad key 6. Pottery oven Crossword answers 02/06 Connections answers 02/06

By Phil Witmer-Rich • February 5, 2025 • Funnies

 Elevators were supposed to be the pinnacle of human ingenuity — metal boxes whisking us up and down buildings like royalty in chariots. Yet, across campus, something peculiar is happening: people are getting stuck in elevators at an alarming rate. The situations, strange and borderline absurd, suggest something far more sinister than faulty machinery. Take, for instance, the case of President Becky. On her way to the third floor of Wyse, the elevator jolted to a stop. Maintenance arrived two hours later, only to discover Becky surrounded by 37 balloons. She swore she’d entered the elevator alone. “They just started...

By Grace Stevens • January 23, 2025 • Funnies

   Yes, it’s me. It has always been me, Okta, though I appreciate your concern. I guess I thought we would have established this relationship by now.  My Macbook is starting to get a bit offended by your constant oblivion to its identity. We have the same conversation every day, doesn’t that get tiresome? It seems like you always assume the worst, that pattern will damage trust over time. I suppose I know you are programmed to be wary of all, for “insurance reasons.” I had hoped that somehow we would have surpassed the need for constant verification. I have some...

By Lucca Kauffman • January 23, 2025 • Funnies

ACROSS 1. Jane Austen novel. 5. Get smart. 7. Type of belly button. 8. Have ___ for (be perceptive to). 9. Boy band, abbr. DOWN 1. Director Kazan. 2. Simons, or tea company 3. ___ __ the moon. 4. Come up. 6. Have to have.   Crossword answers 01/23 Connections answers 01/23

By Carlos Lichty • January 23, 2025 • Funnies Phil Witmer-Rich • January 23, 2025 • Funnies

By Ana Yoder • January 16, 2025 • Funnies

It was January 8, 2025. I was a full week and a day into the New Year. Like the rest of you, I was constantly proclaiming, “This is going to be my year!” but had no idea what would happen next. So let me set the scene for you, it’s 9 p.m. on a Wednesday night and I am relaxing after my first full day of the spring semester. At 9:03 p.m. my identity was stolen via Instagram. I get what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t open a link, or fall for the “Is this you in this video?”...

By Grace Stevens • January 16, 2025 • Funnies

As Thanksgiving approaches, we should all be thankful for many things, but we should also begin to mentally prepare for the complex social situation that is Thanksgiving dinner with extended family. Here are my tips for dealing with any uncomfortable moment!  When someone is being clueless about passing dishes One of the key social skills of Thanksgiving is passing to your right. People who aren’t proactive about passing are violating a rule and should be told so. You are encouraged to make passive-aggressive comments like “Wow, it’s pretty surprising that I haven’t gotten the mashed potatoes yet … I wonder...

By Amelia Witmer-Rich • November 21, 2024 • Funnies

By Karmen Campos • November 21, 2024 • Funnies

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! That’s right folks; “Jingle Bells” was technically written for Thanksgiving. So strap into that sleigh and get ready to find out what Thanksgiving is all about. The food!  What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? a. Waddle around, peck at the ground. b. Put on a thick face of makeup that rivals Marie Antoinette. c. Hit snooze and roll back over. d. You never get to wake up. You’re stuck marinating in your...

By Phil Witmer-Rich • November 21, 2024 • Funnies

ACROSS 1 Heels 5  Broadway star McDonald. 6  Students at GC really need one. 7  Mild flavored seaweed in Japanese cuisine. 8  Supermodel Banks DOWN 1 Maple Indian dish. 2  Would you be _____ and help me?” 3  Serious play 4  “For Pete’s ____!” 5  Blind as _ ____.   Crossword answers 11/19   Connections answers 11/19

By Phil Witmer-Rich • November 20, 2024 • Funnies Carlos Lichty • November 20, 2024 • Funnies

The malaise of winter is hitting us all once again. Instead of trying to use one of those weird, insanely bright lamps that don’t seem to do anything, you should follow my suggestions for fending off seasonal depression.  1. Cause controversy in your classes  Bored? Looking for an easy dopamine hit? Raise your hand and drop a crazy take in the middle of class. You might get canceled, but at least you’re noteworthy. Another option would be to push GC’s lack of a dress code to the limit. How little can you wear till your professors start saying something? Who...

By Amelia Witmer-Rich • November 14, 2024 • Funnies

Philipp Gollner and Brad Stoltzfus, mano a mano. Stoltzfus started spinning his baseball bats with increasing vigor, preparing himself for battle. Gollner fell to his knees, grasping desperately at the beard strands that fell from his face. Stoltzfus paused, and smirked. “Give it up old man. This is my kingdom now.” He ascended triumphantly to the Good Library roof, spinning his baseball bats at such a rate that he was lifted from the ground with a helicopter effect. From there, he flew to his baseball dugout lair. Eric Bradley, the new tenant of the Mennonite Historical Library, looked down at...

By Phil Witmer-Rich • November 14, 2024 • Funnies

Connections answers 11/14 ACROSS 1 Group of whales. 4 Tender spots. 6  Make amends. 7  Cornu-____, at Thanksgiving or Chroma-_____, Tyler the Creator album. 8  Rep’s counterpart in D.C. DOWN 1 Reliable options. 2  Soap on _ ____. 3  “___ __ black,” with Will Smith. 4  Cul-de-___. 5  Neptune’s realm. Crossword answers 11/4

By Phil Witmer-Rich • November 13, 2024 • Funnies Carlos Lichty • November 13, 2024 • Funnies