funnies
November 3, 2024
Cormmander and thief
I am writing this article as an announcement and declaration of my campaign to become the next president of Goshen College. The people are tired of Sleepy Stoltzfus and are ready for change in the Oval Office. This article is my concept of a plan for my first week as President. On day one of my presidency I vow to restore the Broken Shield that sits in the center of campus as a stark reminder of failed presidencies past to its former glory as just The Shield. On day two, I’ll turn the lousy outdated convo credits into the new...
November 3, 2024
Mask of Miller
Dan left his dorm nearing midnight, out into the hall, Converse crushing carpet, and into the elevator where he met a few pals. None wore the costumes they’d agreed on. A few hushed words resounded between them as the elevator hummed to the ground floor. Through KMY, they found the doors of Miller open for them and a riot followed. Half the campus must have been stuffed in there and the friends jammed themselves inside. The hall was a headache. Each room had been opened up, and smaller parties jived inside of them. People cluttered around windows for air. Blue...
October 30, 2024
Puzzle answers 10/31/2024
ACROSS 1 “(1-Across) or (1 Down)”, said by many children 6 Saoirse of “Lady Bird” 7 _____ nous; between us (fr.) 8 “Hello” singer 9 Theatre awards DOWN 1 See 1-across 2 Sonata movement, former Celtics point guard 3 _____-tional walk; often used on Juan Soto 4 i_____- Nickelodeon classic 5 Leg joints Puzzle Answers 10/31/2024
October 24, 2024
A guide for grocery shopping for college students
Maybe you’re on a partial meal plan, or maybe you’re like me and decide to go “grocery shopping,” as a first-year on an unlimited meal plan just to fill your minifridge with unnecessary snacks. If you’re new to this, or just need some tips, here’s my definitive guide. For the Scrappy Risk Takers: The Rott If you don’t think your credit card can take any more damage, or you’re looking to impress a hot senior wondering if you have any guts, your best bet is to swipe food directly from the source. Unfortunately, the newfound lack of disposable plates has...
October 24, 2024
The Bearded Scholar
Students at Goshen College know Philipp Gollner as a regular old history professor. As a regular community member, Gollner can be seen attending sports events with his family. As someone who keeps a bit to himself, Gollner is known by many for a single trait; his ever present beard. As a history professor, it should come as no surprise to anyone to see Gollner walking up to the Mennonite Historical Library for perusal of historical documents. But few know his true motive; to access the Broken Shield beard elixir. Each night, he gets a ladle of elixir from the MHL...
October 23, 2024
Crossword and answers 10/24/2024
Across 1- Sixth and seventh solfege scale degrees 5- Apache advocate who presented at convocation. 6- All good things must come to it. 7- Senate spots 8- Mackenzie’s section Down 1- The quiet type 2- “Save me _ __,” perhaps at an event. 3- Shades 4- Common newspaper section; classic __. 5- Hidden figures org. Week 6-Solution
October 10, 2024
Farewell to the Frott
Alas, we will soon be saying goodbye to the “Union Dining Hall,” a term that no students ever used. (We’ve previously been promised that Westlawn dining will reopen after fall break, so let this piece be added pressure: It better reopen soon, because we’re mentally moving forward.) It’s important to appropriately commemorate this bittersweet moment at GC. Although we’re excited to see the newly renovated Rott, here are a few things we’ll miss about the Frott: The single line for all hot food Sure, it might require waiting an additional 10 minutes, but it builds community, right? It’s been working...
October 10, 2024
Nobody asked me…
In the words of the immortal sportswriter, Jimmy Cannon, Nobody asked me, but how come a dog can run wild in the apartments but students can’t? It was just about a week ago that an unidentified dog was running around in Romero. The controversial dog must have been taking a stance against GC’s new ID policy. Nobody asked me, but what’s up with fall this year? It’s October, and the leaves are hardly even changing yet! How can I even be bothered to put on a sweater and order up a pumpkin spice latte when I can still see the...
October 9, 2024
Puzzle answers 10/10/2024
Across 1. Meghan Trainor is all about it. 5. “Como __?” 7. Muse of Poetry. 8. Aired again. 9. Mao’s successor, or a longtime Bulls forward. Down 1. New GC specialty. 2. Comparable to a beet. 3. Gawk. 4. “Not today, __!” 5. Carol, e.g. Crossword Solution Week 5 Connections week 5
October 4, 2024
Phil and Amelia’s banned book list
In celebration of the American Library Association’s Banned Books week last week, we wanted to offer our personal suggestions for books that should be banned. Although we think book banning is a harmful and alarming practice, we’re sure you’ll agree that these are exceptions to the rule … or maybe just an illustration of how silly book bans are. Captain Underpants series So many strikes against this series. It’s completely inappropriate for kids these days to be reading something with the word “underpants” in the title. Plus, Captain Underpants himself always appears partially nude, only in tighty whities. It also...
September 19, 2024
A sticky confession
Loyal readers of The Record, I feel it is my duty to admit my responsibility for a repeated act that has been harming the Goshen College campus and community. Like many of you, I am a frequent gum-chewer. It’s an excellent hobby to keep me occupied during class, strengthen my jaw muscles and freshen my breath. This may seem harmless until I mention that I have been disposing of the aforementioned gum by spitting it on the ground of our well-groomed campus. Not just once, but many times over my college career. “Amelia?!” you must be asking. “Why would you...