I am writing this article as an announcement and declaration of my campaign to become the next president of Goshen College. The people are tired of Sleepy Stoltzfus and are ready for change in the Oval Office. This article is my concept of a plan for my first week as President.
On day one of my presidency I vow to restore the Broken Shield that sits in the center of campus as a stark reminder of failed presidencies past to its former glory as just The Shield.On day two, I’ll turn the lousy outdated convo credits into the new and improved convict credits. Much like convo, you’ll need 10 convict credits each semester which are obtained by documenting yourself breaking a rule from the Res Life handbook (without getting caught in the act).
On day three, We’re going to “Make Goshen Grade Again!” These professors are becoming too soft! I saw a business major doing their homework the other day and it was the ABC’s! We need to turn these ASSignments into CLASSignments!
On day four, I’ll be putting an end to the corrupt rhetoric constantly being pushed into The Record. And I know I’m not alone; the silent majority are rising up here at GC to put an end to the fake news narrative that GC athletics “suck” and “don’t win every single game.”
On Oct. 7, 2022, Burglar Becky rigged the vote to name Goshen’s new squirrel mascot. Well, on day five of my campaign, I will retroactively stop the steal and unveil Goshen’s new mascot, Leafy.
From loud horns that make sleeping with the window open impossible to long slow trains that divide our campus into two isolated halves, trains are a plague to campus life here at GC. On day six of my presidential term I will begin digging out the tunnel that will force all trains to pass far underneath the ground at GC, uniting campus and preventing 2 a.m. jump scares when trying to sleep.
Keeping to the 2 a.m. activities on day seven I will round out week one of my tenure by investing in new “Rott Boxes” which will be a nice addition to the renovations in Westlawn. The goal of the Rott Boxes will be to provide a private, unsurveilled, and crucially incredibly well-ventilated part of campus for students who have been struggling to not set off the fire alarms three times a week from their “Cooking”.
Goshen; I ask you not to elect me for yourself or for campus as a whole. I ask you to elect me for my own completely narcissistic and egotistical reasons. Sure, I may not be looking out for you, but I will equally not be looking out for your classmates and friends as well! See you on election day!
Future GC President,
Cormac Koop Liechty