funnies
September 19, 2024
Who should perform at Kick-Off?
Yeehaw, it’s almost time for Kick-Off. As seniors who know everything, we’d like to humbly offer a few suggestions for who should perform. Kevin Miller Being married to President Becky must be great, but we want Kevin to have an opportunity to define himself. What would his act be? He’s major gifts officer, so one good option would be to throw money into the audience. He’s also a singer; perhaps a stirring rendition of One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful” could be in the cards? All we know is that he deserves some applause from students to get out of...
September 15, 2024
Meet your Funnies editors
Have you ever walked around campus and noticed two kinda tall, lanky people who don’t look super alike and have different hair but if you squint look vaguely similar? You were probably noticing the resident boy-girl twins on GC’s campus, Amelia and Phil Witmer-Rich! It’s your lucky semester because we’re your Funnies editors. For our first issue, we’d like to politely introduce each other to our soon-to-be-loyal readers. Amelia Witmer-Rich (9 minutes younger) is a senior at Goshen College majoring in science*. While Amelia has achieved straight A’s during her time at Goshen, critics note that she almost got an...
September 12, 2024
September 12, 2024
An exclusive TWINterview
Explain to our audience of singles why twins are superior. Vaughn: Basically you have a built-in friend. Max: All-time wingman. Did you sleep in the same crib? Vaughn: Not in the same crib, but we did sleep in the same room for 16 years. We used to pull each others’ cribs together and then jump from one to the other. Max: Like we would grab each others’ hands, pull it over, and then Mom and Dad would have to come in. Which one of you is older? Max: I’m older by fourteen minutes. Are people confused that you’re not identical?...
September 11, 2024
Phil’s Crossword
ACROSS 1 Not uneven. 6 There is no; singular: There ___ __; plural. 7 Barbie minus a T. 8 Useful skill. 9 Feature used by many who were “too mature” for Tik Tok. DOWN 1 Future super bowl performer. 2 Expunge 3 “Please open your hymnal to number 606. We will be singing _____s 1, 3 and 4.” 4 ____bert Humperdink 5 Plural pirate treasures. Week 2-Solution
September 4, 2024
Phil’s crossword
ACROSS 1. “I’m everywhere I’m so Julia,” or a naughty kid. 5. The first number that neither prime nor semiprime. 7. “It’s so confusing sometimes to be _ ____.” “I’m just _ ____.” 8. Goshen’s student section is often “_____” up. 9. “___” in the headlights. DOWN 1. Popular sitcom, “The ____,” or a dating alternative to men. 2. Inflexible 3. Able to move quickly and easily. 4. Number of goals scored by Tebello Ntene against Concordia. 6. Reddit lingo for a summary. Week 1-Solution
April 11, 2024
Letter of rebellion and news satire
Last semester, I met with Duane Stoltzfus, The Record’s faculty adviser and Goshen College Legend, to discuss an important matter: allowing news satire (in the same vein as The Onion) on the funnies page. It has long been banned from The Record for reasons I both agree and disagree with. Nonetheless, I laid out arguments and wrote short, sample articles for Duane, and afterward he said that he and the rest of the communication department would get back to me with an answer. They said no. This also lost me a bet with Tyson Miller, The Record’s news editor and...
April 11, 2024
Extra, extra, read all about it!
I made a version of this crossword for a scholarship a couple of years ago, and revised it for publication here as my final crossword in The Record. The theme seems fitting here. Thank you all for a wonderful four years of crosswords; it’s been such a joy to make them. ACROSS 1.Going-out-of-business event 5. Sch. in Amherst 10. Popular game with virtual people, with “The” 14. Out of the office 15. 0° 16. Letter-shaped fastener 17. Journalistic opener that’s out of place? 19. ___ Mode, character in “The Incredibles” 20. Accompanying 21. Responding to a wedding invitation, for example...
April 11, 2024
Letter from the editors
Dear editor: We’re back. Unlike Greta and Gussie, we are quite certain you remember us. We’re the ones who let anyone and everyone publish an opinion piece about anything — at least according to YikYak. We thought we would pop back in before graduating to get something off our chest. We have been thinking about this for a long time, but we finally feel removed enough to say something: We find the image cutouts at the top left of the physical issues to be extremely disturbing. Phew. That feels good to say. We think that the images are distressing; oftentimes...
April 4, 2024
Crosswords with Caleb: 4/4
ACROSS 1. One of three important celestial orbs for April 8 4. Friend of Thumper and Flower 6. No longer on deck 7. One of three important celestial orbs for April 8 8. Lines on which music is written DOWN 1. Used, as a desk 2. Phenomenon depicted in this puzzle and on April 8 3. Pro hoops network 4. Sweeties, in modern slang 5. “Am ___ only one?”
April 4, 2024
Word Ladder: 4/4
The following clues are for two-word phrases. The last word in each phrase will be carried to the first word in the next phrase. Example: RED HOT → HOT KEY → KEY WEST… Baseball phrase praising patience in the batter’s box Stereotypically attractive Snack on a stick Tech wearable that can give an ECG March Madness grouping? One who’s always up for a good time Nintendo video game popular on the Wii Switch