Last semester, I met with Duane Stoltzfus, The Record’s faculty adviser and Goshen College Legend, to discuss an important matter: allowing news satire (in the same vein as The Onion) on the funnies page. It has long been banned from The Record for reasons I both agree and disagree with. Nonetheless, I laid out arguments and wrote short, sample articles for Duane, and afterward he said that he and the rest of the communication department would get back to me with an answer.

They said no.

This also lost me a bet with Tyson Miller, The Record’s news editor and Goshen College Loser.

In any case, in my second-to-last week as a student and in a final act of rebellion, I am publishing these satire articles in The Record.  

Duane, I’ve appreciated your guidance and the way you’ve challenged my creativity, but this opportunity is simply too fun to pass up. And, to address your concerns, obviously these articles aren’t real, and if I offend anyone I will take full responsibility (and lose another bet with Tyson).


GC has finally decided to move forward with a plan in response to complaints about a lack of accessibility on campus. 

According to a press release, the plan doesn’t actually do anything yet, it’s just an informal agreement to try super hard to make sure the school is fully compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act by 2050 — at which point none of the current administration will be here to be held accountable if it falls through.

“We realized that this route really just gives us the flexibility we need,” an anonymous administrator said. “Those with disabilities have waited this long, they can wait even longer as we figure out what we’re actually doing here.” 

Res Life

GC Residence Life has once again delayed their plans to completely fix all of the problems on campus, citing “lots of arguing about stuff that doesn’t matter.”

According to the press release, they now hope to have some new policies in place by the end of next year that will be “poorly cobbled together” and “won’t make anybody happy, but they’ll be finished, which is all that matters.” 

Students took their frustrations to social media last week with profanity and even a blasphemous mention of God, but have since gotten bored with the issue and entirely forgotten what they were upset about.


A collection of the Physical Plant’s grounds crew have started chasing students across campus with their golf carts.

“These stupid kids need to stop throwing trash in the flowers, and I think this is the only way they’re going to learn,” an anonymous Phys Plant worker said.

Many of the vehicles have been illegally modified to “go faster” and “be cooler.”

Students have begun to throw fruit from the cafeteria at the golf carts in self-defense, but most vehicles are immune to such efforts.

Some members of ITS have sided with the workers, citing their own troubles with student behavior. “If I get one more email asking me how to connect an iPad to the Wi-Fi, we’re shutting this whole thing down,” an anonymous ITS worker said.

Despite student pressure, the administration remains neutral on the issue, as they do all things. There are those who worry that this situation could lead to some kind of GC civil war. 

In other news… 

The language department chairs have agreed to start only accepting students who already know their respective language, citing people who “sign wrong” and “sound weird when they talk.”

The Record plans to release its issues in “night mode” next semester to appeal to younger readers.

And, last but not least, a few nights ago I had a dream that I was abducted by aliens. I shouldn’t be too worried about that, right?

More on those stories as they develop — have a great summer.