Have you ever walked around campus and noticed two kinda tall, lanky people who don’t look super alike and have different hair but if you squint look vaguely similar? You were probably noticing the resident boy-girl twins on GC’s campus, Amelia and Phil Witmer-Rich! It’s your lucky semester because we’re your Funnies editors. For our first issue, we’d like to politely introduce each other to our soon-to-be-loyal readers.

Amelia Witmer-Rich (9 minutes younger) is a senior at Goshen College majoring in science*. While Amelia has achieved straight A’s during her time at Goshen, critics note that she almost got an A- one time. Currently, she is applying to medical schools, having received a stellar “MCAT” score. While her prospects seem encouraging in this regard, her lack of Instagram and other social media followers points to a deficiency of “aura” and “clout.” 

Her hobbies include podcast listening, reading, running, a vegetarian era, and other “self bettering” exercises to feed her superiority complex. She can be seen performing with Goshen’s choirs, but it might be easy to mix her up with a few other people, and I doubt you’ll particularly hear her. Looking ahead, she’s planning on graduating a semester early from Goshen and looking at options to go abroad for a few months, with hopes that leaving the country will finally give her a chance to escape from her brother’s shadow.

*Some sort of -ology 

Phil Witmer-Rich is a senior English and music double major. What he plans to do with those majors is beyond me, but that’s not my business. I’ve heard that writing is really employable in a world with AI. Recently, he lost his position as a ASK desk writing tutor due to the new Upswing online tutoring available at the library. So let’s just say his employment prospects are not on the Upswing. 

This past summer, Phil went to China to work as an au pair to a five-year-old. Wow, he must speak decent Mandarin, you must be thinking! If you speak Mandarin, you should definitely go up to him and see for yourself. Just don’t be surprised if he can’t carry a basic 5 minute conversation.

Attend any GC music event and you will probably see Phil, well-known for his loud volume and real propensity to move with the music. He stays busy in Vox Profundi, Chamber Choir, and Lavender Jazz. “That’s Phil,” you can whisper to whoever accompanied you to Sauder Concert Hall, pointing to the guy who keeps twitching his shoulder or hip to the song. 

Phil is the younger twin.**

In his free time, Phil makes a difference in our broken world by enjoying a wide variety of phone-staring activities: scrolling on X, playing phone games, and watching Tiktok. 

**Fact checkers for The Record have forced me to acknowledge that Phil is, in fact, nine minutes older, which he refers to as “the best nine minutes” of his life.