In celebration of the American Library Association’s Banned Books week last week, we wanted to offer our personal suggestions for books that should be banned. Although we think book banning is a harmful and alarming practice, we’re sure you’ll agree that these are exceptions to the rule … or maybe just an illustration of how silly book bans are. 

Captain Underpants series 

So many strikes against this series. It’s completely inappropriate for kids these days to be reading something with the word “underpants” in the title. Plus, Captain Underpants himself always appears partially nude, only in tighty whities. It also encourages kids to think poop jokes are funny. 

The dictionary 

Banned for irrelevance. This may seem radical, but think about it: when was the last time you opened the dictionary? Why would you page through a dense book when you could just Google it? 

So Far from Home: The Diary of Mary Driscoll, an Irish Mill Girl

This somewhat obscure title is one of many in the Dear America historical fiction series that sent elementary school Amelia into an emotional tailspin. A description of people eating grass during the Irish potato famine, someone getting scalped in a factory, and both of Mary’s parents dying; it was too much to handle. And then Mary herself dies of cholera at age 17. As a natural empath, Amelia was distraught. 

In the Dark, Dark Room and Other Scary Stories 

Anyone else remember “The Green Ribbon”? It’s easy to read through some slightly scary stories and then stumble across this absolutely morbid and petrifying story about a girl whose head falls off. 

Harry Potter

You like Harry Potter? So you agree with J.K. Rowling’s views? Maybe those Christian groups who called it witchcraft had a point. And don’t start thinking critically about Dobby’s place in the social order. Or the term “mudblood.”

Chasing Lincoln’s Killer

This book, located on the shelves of Phil’s fourth grade classroom, was an emotional rollercoaster. While it’s mostly about Abraham Lincoln’s assassination, the side story of Edmund Spangler, a stagehand sentenced to six years of hard labor for unwittingly providing John Wilkes Booth with the horse he escaped on, broke Phil’s heart. Poor, innocent Edmund. The thought of him going to jail for a crime he didn’t commit turned young Phillip into an emotional wreck, eventually forcing his fourth grade teacher to remove the book from her classroom. When asked, our sister Charlotte also mentioned it as a candidate to be banned.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

Diary of a Wimpy Kid is, of course, a legendary series. Unfortunately, like The Simpsons, it went on long enough that it shifted from art to a cash grab. Maybe this book just marked the year Phil grew too old for the Wimpy books. Maybe some of the newer ones are better. But this one is a miss, and it should be erased from the Wimpy canon.

Where the Red Fern Grows

A beautiful, heartwarming novel until the absolute emotional devastation at the end. Listed as required summer reading for 6th grade, Amelia and Phil were both sobbing before their first day of school. Why is it that the saddest books always involve a dog’s death? 

Honorary mention: National Geographic: Mysteries of Mankind

This is a documentary, not a book, but this 1980s exploration of human evolution deserves a mention for the nightmares it caused Amelia to suffer through. Weirdly, the part that grieved her most was a short, yet disturbing, cartoon of human ancestor Lucy. Maybe it’s time to reconsider that this seemingly harmless documentary is publicly available.