Students at Goshen College know Philipp Gollner as a regular old history professor. As a regular community member, Gollner can be seen attending sports events with his family. As someone who keeps a bit to himself, Gollner is known by many for a single trait; his ever present beard.

As a history professor, it should come as no surprise to anyone to see Gollner walking up to the Mennonite Historical Library for perusal of historical documents. But few know his true motive; to access the Broken Shield beard elixir. Each night, he gets a ladle of elixir from the MHL cauldron, transforming him into “The Bearded Scholar.” The elixir’s powers allowed him to not only maintain his beard but also to gain extraordinary knowledge. He can recite history with unmatched clarity and deliver impassioned lectures that leave his students in awe.

But where did this beard elixir come from? While students at GC know Joe Springer as the ever-helpful steward of the Mennonite Historical Library, Joe’s job description includes a few … unexpected tasks. Some of which are currently unknown to everyone in the GC administration outside of Becky.

Students may have noticed Ana from Upswing, the new virtual academic counselor who sends students texts. She rose from the ocean as an offspring of Karen, Plankton’s computer wife. Springer noticed her on the beach (he was on a family trip), and took her in as a daughter. One day, he took her along to the MHL to serve as his esteemed personal computer assistant. Springer  asked Ana a question.

“Hey Ana, what do you think about creating a special elixir to enhance beard growth?” he joked, half-heartedly scrolling through ancient texts.

To his surprise, Ana lit up. “I can run simulations on that! If we analyze the properties of various herbs and their historical uses, we could create a powerful formula.”

Springer chuckled. “Well, I didn’t expect you to take that seriously. But go ahead —let’s see what you can come up with.”

Days turned into weeks, and after numerous trials involving everything from rosemary to mythical herbs like dragon’s blood, they finally hit the jackpot: the Broken Shield Beard Elixir. With its frothy consistency and mysterious aroma, it became an instant hit among the bearded community, albeit under the radar. The elixir was also repurposed as the Broken Shield beer; if you’re interested in using the beer as elixir, just pour some cans into your family cauldron and let it cook for a few days.

Meanwhile, Gollner, blissfully unaware of the elixir’s origins, had taken to using it with wild abandon. One day, he climbed the steps to the MHL and asked Springer for another ladle. Springer began to laugh.

“Oh Philipp. Philipp, Philipp, Philipp. A new challenger has emerged.”

Suddenly, the strands of Gollner’s beard started to fall.

Brad Stoltzfus, last year’s new baseball coach, emerged from the shadows. His beard was magnificent, and the elixir’s powers had transformed his hands into baseball bats.

The two locked eyes.

Note; this article is a work of fiction. It is written with the help of Chat GPT, as well as Fatima Zahara.