Since you people keep setting off the fire alarms, we need to go back to the on-campus cooking basics. 

Chapter 1: Understanding Your Kitchen — Do you have access to an actual kitchen, or are you confined to the corner of your dorm room, balancing a hot plate on top of last week’s laundry? Either way, the most crucial step in any cooking endeavor is turning on the kitchen light. Nothing says “culinary catastrophe” like not being able to see the smoke.

Chapter 2: Ramen — the holy grail of college cuisine. Before you even think about nuking that bowl of goodness, let’s address: You. Must. Add. Water. No, seriously. Unless your life goal is to discover what burnt Styrofoam smells like, pour some water in the bowl. 

Chapter 3: The Microwave — -Your microwave is not just for reheating regrettable late-night Taco Bell. No, my friend, it is a versatile machine capable of producing entire meals that are mostly made of eggs, oatmeal, or various “cheese product” substances. When microwaving anything with sauce, cover it unless you enjoy Jackson Pollock-esque splatters decorating your appliance. Your roommate will thank you.

Chapter 4: Meal Prep — For those ambitious souls who believe they can resist the siren song of instant mac and cheese. The theory is simple: cook several meals in advance. However, execution is another story, because planning meals requires thinking ahead. Let’s be honest, if college students were good at that, half of us wouldn’t be eating cereal with a fork because all the spoons are in the sink.

Final Exam: If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You are now officially equipped with the knowledge necessary to pass this exam (or, at the very least, avoid food starvation). Will you still order takeout at 2 a.m. while claiming you “just don’t have time” to cook? Absolutely. But at least now, if you ever find yourself hungry with nothing but a packet of ramen, you’ll remember:

1.Water. Always add water.

2.Turn on the kitchen light. Precision is key.

3.Your microwave is your best friend (and worst enemy).