Have you ever found yourself struggling with the complexities of eating cereal? Does your spoon technique lack finesse? Are you tired of your Cheerios splashing milk onto your shirt like some kind of breakfast-based betrayal? Well, worry no more — because now, for the low, low price of $199.99, you can enroll in “Advanced Spoon Techniques: The Art of Cereal Consumption,” a Masterclass that promises to revolutionize the way you eat breakfast.

I am a self-proclaimed Cereal Sommelier and Spoon Aficionado, and this six-hour course dives deep into the subtle but essential skills required for an optimal cereal-eating experience. 

The History of Spoons: Before you can truly master cereal, you must understand the humble spoon itself. We shall begin by tracing the spoon’s origins, from ancient civilizations to modern-day ergonomic advancements. Did you know early humans ate cereal with sharpened twigs? Probably not, because that’s not true. But it could be, and that’s why history matters.

Choosing the Right Spoon for Your Cereal: Not all spoons are created equal. Some have superior weight distribution, while others offer better milk aerodynamics. A heavy-duty soup spoon for Frosted Flakes? A rookie mistake. I will share how to pair the perfect spoon with your cereal to maximize crunch, flavor and overall breakfast harmony.

The Perfect Milk-to-Cereal Ratio: One of the greatest dilemmas of modern times: how much milk is too much milk? I can present a three-part formula, factoring in absorption rate, spoon depth, and bowl circumference to help you achieve cereal nirvana.

The Ninja Method: Ever tried sneaking a bowl of Lucky Charms at 2 a.m., only for the spoon to clank against the bowl like a gong of shame? Fear not: I have devised stealth tactics to help you snack undetected. My whisper-quiet spoon-dipping method alone is worth the price of admission.

The Final Project: To earn your Certified Cereal Master diploma, you’ll submit a slow-motion video of your most elegant cereal bite. Bonus points if you capture the glistening milk drip cascading down your chin in cinematic glory.

So, if you’ve ever felt your breakfast game was lacking — or if you simply have $200 and an unsettling amount of free time — this might just be the class for you. Because if you’re going to eat cereal, you might as well do it like a pro.