funnies
January 25, 2024
Small campus dating 101
Fear not! Your liberal arts matchmaker, Eliza Alemán, is here to share the hottest tips on how to score yourself a special someone this semester! With a background in failed talking stages, notoriously known for getting cold feet, this licensed love pro knows a thing or two about what college singles are looking for. Follow her step-by-step guide to secure a college bae in no time! *Please note that this advice is not limited to the confines of gender. Whether you’re a girl, boy or non-binary foe, this advice has been proven to work across the board.* Step 1: Tell...
January 18, 2024
Crosswords with Caleb: 1/18
ACROSS 1. TIME magazine’s 2023 Person of the Year 6. Golfer Palmer, to fans 7. Send to attack 8. Publicity grab, perhaps 9. Current tour by 1-Across, the first ever to cross $1 billion DOWN 1. Mouth off to 2. Put pen to paper 3. Run up, as expenses 4. Shrek’s love 5. Structures some fans of 1-Across camped out in for five months to see her Link to Answers
January 18, 2024
Questions for profs to make a good impression
Professors like students who ask questions — this much is obvious. If you want to start the semester on a good note with your profs, consider using these provocative, engaging and heart-wrenching questions that are guaranteed to make them recognize your intellectual prowess and powerhouse classroom presence: What can we as a classroom expect from you as a professor? What assignments have previous students struggled with? What is your advice for those assignments? What’s the process for dropping a class? Was Arial your first choice of typeface when making this syllabus? What’s your stance on the United States’ current relationship...
January 18, 2024
GC elevators: A systematic review
The dispute between Goshen College and accessibility advocates seems endless. We are here on the front lines as neutral (heavily biased) observers (journalists with an agenda) to analyze accessibility on campus. The following is a peer-reviewed (spell-checked) systematic review (arbitrary tier list) of every building’s elevator. Our methodology was simple: we ranked all nine qualifying elevators on campus based on a variety of criteria, including ambiance, sound, speed, button clickiness, what mood we were in and how disgusted we were when the doors opened. We used ranks S (amazing, incredible, awe-inspiring), A (good), B (passable), C (below average), D (bad)...
November 30, 2023
Adventures in New York City
Antoinette Mpawenayo and I (Isis) were sent by the criminal justice and restorative justice department on a trek to the Big Apple. The three day trip felt more like a two-hour Disney movie premiere-special — packed with fun but always falling short. We spent a total of three hours packing bags like we were going on a month-long vacation — girl math. What WASN’T packed in those bags? I was so excited to go back home to New York and revel in my profound sadness over leaving my family there, while Antoinette was excited to get a bacon, egg and...
November 30, 2023
A semester of heavy lifting
The Funnies page is like a tiny squirrel. It is a perspiring rodent with puny little arms that hoist up a massive, bulbous, bursting bronze acorn the size of a house — a squirrel house. Quite obviously, The Record (Goshen College’s independently run newspaper since 1912) is this acorn. Plexiglass and sanded. As funnies editors, it is our sole responsibility to maintain its glory. Last spring, when Isis and I were asked to take on the funnies page, we were both honored and humbled. How could we carry on such a marvelous legacy of excellence? Year after year, Funnies editors...
November 9, 2023
An invigorating new convocation schedule
About this time of the year, many Goshen College students realize they have fallen behind on their convocation credits. All semester, Wednesday mornings have been too cozy and filled with noble academic pursuits to accommodate a tedious trip to the good ol’ Church-Chapel. I believe part of this phenomenon is due to the fact that the convocations of our day are incredibly stale! Why would I want to learn about relevant issues of our time when I could experience an immersive and invigorating stimulus of the soul, mind and body? This is why I have created several more relevant suggestions...
November 9, 2023
Very important questions for the president
I had some pressing questions for Rebecca Stoltzfus, president of Goshen College, so we sat down for a chat. Her responses have been lightly edited. What are some of your biggest pet peeves? Stinky dish rags. And another one, although I’ve come to love it and feel affectionate about it, is when I load the dishwasher and then Kevin reloads it because he doesn’t think I loaded it right. Are you down to try to define some slang from the youth? Slang from the youth? Yeah, how would you define “spilling tea”? I’m a tea drinker, so I understand this...
November 2, 2023
The future of the funnies page
There’s a possibility that we’ll look back on this article someday and it won’t be so foreign. In 30 years, we might all be controlled by intelligent technology, naively created by our misguided confidence in human cleverness. Perhaps, the human race will be nothing more than a blip in our universe, a species that single-handedly orchestrated its own demise… BUT! Whew! That hasn’t happened yet. Let’s forget about it for now. Thank goodness artificial intelligence is still funny! So now I give to you, ChatGPT’s newest project: a Goshen College funnies article. May it please entertain us for many years...
November 2, 2023
Weird Americans
I asked international students about some of the strangest or most surprising traditions, ways of communication and cultural differences they’ve noticed while at school in the United States. Here are their responses: Shoaib Ansari, India: Something I find quite funny is that “How are you doing?” is used as a simple “hi” here. When someone asks me that, my first response is always to say “I’m good,” and then ask how they’re doing. A lot of people don’t expect to be asked back, so they ignore it. Some others are left slightly confused. And this is everywhere in Indiana. I...
October 26, 2023
Constructive criticism
We’re eight weeks into the semester and I am tired. Specifically, I am tired of walking. To be precise, I am tired of walking past Goshen College’s most recent art installation. We’re eight weeks into the semester, and I am confused. I thought the installation was simply a cheeky and temporary artistic experiment, but as we near the end of October the peculiar fixture still stands by College Avenue. Orange tape, large trucks, cranes, dirt and dust. The colors, textures and placement are all quite wonderful, yet no one has made themselves available to explain their significance. Whose idea was...
