The dispute between Goshen College and accessibility advocates seems endless. We are here on the front lines as neutral (heavily biased) observers (journalists with an agenda) to analyze accessibility on campus. The following is a peer-reviewed (spell-checked) systematic review (arbitrary tier list) of every building’s elevator.

Our methodology was simple: we ranked all nine qualifying elevators on campus based on a variety of criteria, including ambiance, sound, speed, button clickiness, what mood we were in and how disgusted we were when the doors opened. 

We used ranks S (amazing, incredible, awe-inspiring), A (good), B (passable), C (below average), D (bad) and F (crusty socks equivalent).

Student Apartments: B tier. This is easily the fastest elevator on campus. The buttons are tactile and springy, and the floor is only slightly gross. The ambiance leaves something to be desired, however, with dystopian office building vibes. It would be higher if it was not consistently broken.

Union Building: D tier. This is easily the slowest elevator. On top of that, it’s clunky and cramped, the walls are waist-high, it doesn’t have a ceiling and there are 2.5 total doors. It does have pretty good buttons, though.

Science Hall: C tier. Maybe the second-slowest elevator? Not sure. The only thing this one has going for it is that it’s spacious. Unfortunately, it is also loud and obnoxious. One side of the elevator makes weird beeps when you pass through, and the mechanical whirring as you go up is unnerving. It also has mediocre buttons and an overwhelmingly beige color palette. It’s your standard GC elevator.

Good Library: D tier. Fits the vibe of the building perfectly, but that’s not a good thing. This one is small, old, creaky, and a little spooky. It has the clickiest buttons, but the odds of getting stuck inside are alarmingly high. Parental guidance strongly cautioned.

Music Center: A tier. It’s clean, spacious, quiet, and has fantastic lighting. Of all the elevators we tested, this is the only one we would feel comfortable licking if we got dared to do it. It may not be the fastest and the buttons are pretty bad, but it does make a good thunking sound when you jump inside and there’s plenty of room to run around in. Your kids will love this elevator.

The Connector: C tier. Nothing to write home about. It’s kind of gross, middle of the road in terms of speed, bottom of the barrel in terms of buttons, and above and beyond in terms of excessive auditory stimulation. A constant droning sound will accompany you at all times. There is also a handrail missing, and tragically someone keeps removing the chairs.

Yoder Residence Hall: D tier. The grossest elevator — not just on campus, but maybe the grossest we’ve ever been in. Mysterious stains cover the doors, walls, and floor, there are exposed lightbulbs and we get the sense that someone has died inside of it. Keep an eye out for ghosts.

Wyse Hall: F tier. By far the worst elevator at GC — there is nothing good about it. Not only is it in an inconvenient spot in the building, it’s small, slow and has the atmosphere of an abandoned hotel. The only redeeming factor is the kind of clicky buttons, but half of them are mushy. Avoid at all costs — either use the stairs or have someone carry you up the stairs.

Rec-Fit Center: S tier. Here is an elevator with character. It’s tucked away into a cute nook in between the vending machines and the turf room. It has two-layer security to make you feel safe: industrial, 1990s turquoise, metal doors and high-end, sliding dividers to enter and exit. There’s a relaxing hum as you go up and down, and it gets the best ambiance score as the only elevator with exposed brick. Highly recommended, even if you don’t need to go to the RFC — just go for a great experience.

Westlawn: Disqualified. We can’t rank elevators that have not been built yet. We do have high hopes for this one, though.

Church-Chapel: Disqualified. A key is necessary to operate this one, so apparently students don’t have high enough clearance.

Administration Building: Disqualified. We can’t rank elevators that don’t work.

Kulp Residence Hall, Coffman Residence Hall, Visual Arts Building and Umble Center: Disqualified. We can’t rank elevators that don’t exist.

Conclusion: We are disappointed with the elevator experience at GC. Of the buildings that have elevators, many of them suck. Suggested improvements include: music, themed elevators (beach, rave, aquarium, etc.), wallpaper (no beige), bookshelves, coat racks, metal sculptures, bathtubs, TVs with PS5s, couches and vending machines.