funnies
February 22, 2024
Crosswords with Caleb: 2/22
ACROSS 1. Chisel 5. *Word anagrammed an appropriate amount of times in this puzzle 7. Footwear hard to run in 8. Worker in a trauma ward, informally 9. Old-fashioned Speed Wagons DOWN 1. *Early anesthetic 2. *“Voilá” 3. “I believe,” in Latin 4. Choppers 5. Key above the tilde Link to Answers
February 22, 2024
12 policies for GC to consider
The following is a list of policy proposals I believe GC should implement — or, at the very least, mull over at GBCo. Some of them improve overall quality of life, some of them help with cutting costs for the college, and all of them got rejected by the Student Senate. Thus, I’m using the only remaining space I know of that the administration regularly checks and takes seriously: the funnies page. Get rid of the weird smell in the Yoder staircase. Why does it smell like that? I mean, it’s not like it’s a bad smell. It’s just sort...
February 22, 2024
Quiz: What font are you?
Take this quiz and we’ll tell you which font you are! 1. What does your morning routine look like? a. Wake up early, get a workout in, shower, eat breakfast. b. Roll out of bed 10 minutes before class and throw on whatever is on top of my clothes pile. c. My “Imperial March” alarm clock goes off 30 minutes before class, giving me just enough time for a shower and some sustenance. d. Wake up early, spend a lot of time getting ready, stop for coffee, end up missing class. e. That’s not for you to know. 2. What’s...
February 15, 2024
Crosswords with Caleb: 2/15
ACROSS 1. <3 6. Ellen ___, first Hispanic woman in space 7. Final authority 8. Subjects of Pulitzer-prize winning novel “The Overstory” (2019) 9. Objects in the “eyeball economy” DOWN 1. Popular landscaping plant 2. Possible delivery method for Valentine’s Day 3. “Just as I thought” 4. Valentine’s Day flower … or color 5. New Mexico town that inspired Georgia O’Keeffe Link to Answers
February 15, 2024
Classroom Week 6 power rankings
It’s been a wild week for classrooms at Goshen College. Here are this week’s biggest winners and losers: Top 4 Science Building 006 (↑1) We may have undervalued it early on in the semester, but if there were still any doubters, this past week proved them wrong. SC 006 has been clicking on both sides of the classroom, ranking No. 3 in whiteboards and No. 1 in desk space to match. Now that its sticky keyboard has been fixed, I don’t see it getting kicked out of first place any time soon. Wyse Hall 319 (↓1) WY 319 has been...
February 15, 2024
Beast at East
The writers claim that “the following account is completely factual in all regards,” but in today’s news climate, who are we to tell you what to believe. Dec. 2, 2023. 03:24. East Hall. They had heard the whispers around campus: a lithe form slipping through Kratz doorways; a furry shadow cast down the darkened halls of the admin building. Campus Safety had warned the residents of East Hall that they had nothing to fear, but that was little reassurance. Johann-Pieter, laying in bed, knew who it was before he opened his eyes. He felt its laser-like furry stare on him...
February 1, 2024
Crosswords with Caleb: 2/1
ACROSS 1. ___ History Month, chosen in February due to Abraham Lincoln’s and Frederick Douglass’ birthdays 6. Mario’s sidekick who hatches from an egg and throws fruit 7. Response to a lame joke 8. Take apart 9. Astronaut Jemison DOWN 1. “Dagnabbit!” 2. ___ Doone (cookie brand) 3. Stick out like ___ thumb 4. Hindi word meaning “tea” 5. Civil rights leader who visited Goshen College in 1960, speaking on “The Future of Integration” Link to Answers
February 1, 2024
Unquestionably amazing advice: Academics
Unquestionably amazing advice : Academics Just in case anyone dares to ask about the validity of our advice again, here are my qualifications for this topic: I am smarter than you. In middle school, I came in 17th in the Indiana state chess tournament for my age group and United States Chess Federation rating range. I have a 7.2 GPA.* Following these tips will get your GPA closer to mine (nothing ridiculous, somewhere in the lower 5 range I’d expect) and your professors will love you. Due dates are imaginary. The quicker you learn this, the quicker you’ll be successful....
February 1, 2024
A measured response
Dear Tyson, I was overjoyed to hear that you found the advice in last week’s issue helpful; however, you sound dumb. As much as I admire you for hitting on people that aren’t your girlfriend, if someone you’re interested in doesn’t like the way you smell, that’s on them and they are not worth it. I think that if you had read the articles properly you would understand that. To be fair to you, readers need an IQ of at least 160 to fully grasp The Record’s funnies section. Furthermore, I was disappointed with your comments about our fact-checkers. Questioning...
February 1, 2024
Letter to the editor
Dear editor, I found the Funnies section last week to be VERY fruitful and to contain countless bits of wisdom — the advice on dating and roommates was incredibly helpful. I have always thought of myself as a fairly “with it” type of person, but even I learned a bit! Anyway, to the point of my writing. I found that maybe I shouldn’t try to win over my roommate and someone I’m interested in at the same time? I feel that the advice was at odds. For example, I haven’t been showering (per the tips for being a good roommate),...
February 1, 2024
Horoscopes from someone who definitely knows what she’s talking about
My first year of college, I downloaded Co-Star for my daily horoscope as a joke. After having that app for a while, I realized that consulting the stars wasn’t as hard as I thought. I began to ask, or rather shout, to the stars to seek guidance. They told me things like “Shut up,” “Go to bed,” and the most interesting: “You’re a nuisance to this neighborhood, my kids are trying to sleep.” I didn’t know the stars were so close and personal! After spending time with the stars this week, I was able to come up with horoscopes for...
January 25, 2024
Crossword with Caleb: 1/25
ACROSS 1. ___ Profundi, GC low voices choir 4. Exchange pleasantries virtually 7. Voices of the ___, GC high voices choir 8. Fundamental element of many Snapchat messages 9. Fire … or a firefighter’s need DOWN 1. HBO political comedy starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus 2. Nebraska city home to the world’s largest ball of stamps (600 pounds) 3. Company that popularized paper copies 5. Suffix with cigar 6. Howe’er Link to Answers This puzzle was updated on Jan. 31, 2024 to eliminate a false statement in the clue for 2-down.
January 25, 2024
Tips for being a good roommate
You’re human, which means that at some point in your life you’re probably going to live with other humans, be they friends, family, partners, enemies or some weird combination of those things. At college, there’s always a million things going on, so taking the time to be a good roommate can fall to the bottom of your priority list. However, whether you live on or off campus, I urge you to take the time to read this list and implement some simple strategies to make life easier for the people you live with. Cleaning. Wiping off counters, sweeping and cleaning...