The following is a list of policy proposals I believe GC should implement — or, at the very least, mull over at GBCo. Some of them improve overall quality of life, some of them help with cutting costs for the college, and all of them got rejected by the Student Senate. Thus, I’m using the only remaining space I know of that the administration regularly checks and takes seriously: the funnies page.

Get rid of the weird smell in the Yoder staircase.

Why does it smell like that? I mean, it’s not like it’s a bad smell. It’s just sort of… weird. It should be an easy fix: invest in a few bottles of body spray and go wild.

Turn on the water heater in the Science Building.

Not once have I felt even lukewarm water come out of these faucets. I’m rooting for SC 107 in the Classroom Championship, and the building’s average water temperature is holding it back.

Replace “America the Beautiful” with “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus.

I just feel like it fits the vibe of a sports game better — I need something to move my hips to.

Rent out Phys Plant and Campus Safety carts to students.

It’s a way to generate revenue, classes would see a decrease in late arrivals across the board, and, you have to admit, it’d be pretty cool.

Pay me more.

Nobody else. Just me.

Turn the entire campus into a parking lot.

Walkable campuses are terrible — I want to drive to all my classes and park as close as possible. Green space? Nobody cares. Get rid of all of the nasty trees and plants and stuff. I also hate walking in the grass because it makes my shoes all muddy. Not to mention, we’d save money on landscaping costs and that money could go to even more construction projects.

Speaking of which: renovate the Church-Chapel into a mall.

I mean, if we’re trying to balance the budget, why not target the church? It’s old, big and ripe with opportunity. We could expand the business department (which I hear is very popular these days), bring a whole new demographic onto campus, and even open a McDonald’s as a work-study opportunity.

Get rid of Campus Post.

Why are we paying people to manage everybody’s mail? Just have the mail delivery drop off packages on a curb somewhere and let students have at it. Frankly, if you can’t earn your mail in a free-for-all, you don’t deserve it.

Offer every student a 75” 4K OLED TV and 5.1 surround sound system with their iPad.

Students deserve more free stuff. Also, how are any of us supposed to be productive without a constant loop of cartoons on in the background?

Add chess as an intercollegiate sport.

Honestly, this might be the only semi-real one on here. I just want to play more chess.

Waive the Artistic World requirement for students who look artsy.

Self-explanatory. These students shouldn’t be forced to take another art course — they seem like they know just about everything there is to know about art already. I say we give them a pass.

Switch back to dial-up internet.

I mean, do we really need the speeds we’re paying for? It costs so much money, and half of the students only use it to play videogames anyway.

Thank you for your consideration. Hopefully these get brought up at the board meetings this weekend.