Dear Tyson,

I was overjoyed to hear that you found the advice in last week’s issue helpful; however, you sound dumb. 

As much as I admire you for hitting on people that aren’t your girlfriend, if someone you’re interested in doesn’t like the way you smell, that’s on them and they are not worth it. I think that if you had read the articles properly you would understand that. To be fair to you, readers need an IQ of at least 160 to fully grasp The Record’s funnies section.

Furthermore, I was disappointed with your comments about our fact-checkers. Questioning the integrity of this paper is an immature way to respond to a situation of your own making. Our writers and staff are more talented than those at The New York Times or even The New York Post — clearly you are at fault.

As for your question about the helpfulness of our advice, I follow all advice given in this paper to the letter and have had great results (I am single and my roommates hate me, but that is irrelevant).

Anyway, assuming your life is as much of a mess as it sounds, here are some more tips that may be helpful (and even someone of your intelligence should be able to understand).

Lukas Bontrager-Waite is a senior writing major. In his free time, he enjoys not writing.