About this time of the year, many Goshen College students realize they have fallen behind on their convocation credits. All semester, Wednesday mornings have been too cozy and filled with noble academic pursuits to accommodate a tedious trip to the good ol’ Church-Chapel. 

I believe part of this phenomenon is due to the fact that the convocations of our day are incredibly stale! Why would I want to learn about relevant issues of our time when I could experience an immersive and invigorating stimulus of the soul, mind and body? 

This is why I have created several more relevant suggestions for the spring convocation schedule. Indeed, I have no doubt these activities will significantly improve attendance and relative enjoyment of this time-honored requirement. 

Facilitated group discussion: Require all attendees to read a selection of 72 pages from a relevant book such as “The Old Farmer’s Almanac 2017: Special Anniversary Edition” or “A Christmas Wish: An Amish Romance” by Linda Byler. 

Facilitated nap time:  Scott Hochstetler, professor of music, will lull students into a deep sleep with an operatic performance of “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. 

Facilitated Zumba/Wii Fit workshop: With that one football guy who’s dating Taylor Swift as guest host — what’s his name again?

Facilitated faculty planking competition: Required for all faculty members to compete. Winner receives a one-year sabbatical. 

Facilitated convocation marathon: Whoever stays in the sanctuary for the longest amount of time gets $100,000,000 in Munch Money. See Mr. Beast’s YouTube video “Last To Leave Circle Wins $500,000” for reference. Prize expires Jan. 17.