funnies
October 28, 2022
Yerushalayim? An unsolved mystery
Yerushalayim! Olivia Koop and Greta Lapp Klassen are good friends. They often traipse around campus together, and they love to laugh about jokes. Before last month, their friendship was normal: They helped each other with their problems, traveled the world and cooked pasta together (ask them for the recipe). Then, their TikTok algorithms synced up a little too well. Almost instantaneously they both ended up on Miami Boys Choir Tok – a captivating place indeed. For those of you unfamiliar with the Miami Boys Choir, they are a group of young Jewish boys directed by the mysterious Yerachmiel Begun, who...
October 13, 2022
Are we special?
I’ve noticed that Goshen College seems to have a slight superiority complex about its squirrels. This issue of The Record is a great example, how many photos and mentions of squirrels does one issue need!? I wondered to myself: are Goshen’s squirrels really that special? Do other college campuses have squirrels too? I decided to take matters into my own hands and did some investigative reporting into the other 66 colleges in Indiana. Below are my findings, a list of other campuses in Indiana that also have squirrels. Ball State 2. University of Notre Dame 3. Depauw University 4....
October 13, 2022
Ask Miss Maple: Crushes and cream cheese
Dear Miss Maple, I’m in love with my best friend and I’m trying to give hints. I follow him around campus all the time, I steal all of his clothes and watch him sleep at 3 a.m. He still hasn’t gotten the hints, what do I do? Sincerely, — Lovestruck Bestie Dear Lovestruck, Honestly, he sounds overrated. What is love other than pain anyways? Romantic endeavors only end in tragedy. They’ll refuse to sign a prenup and then take all of your money after 10 years of marriage. The only appealing part of love is the food- if...
October 7, 2022
A comprehensive guide to mascot etiquette
This Homecoming Weekend, Goshen College will announce our new mascot. This is a momentous occasion, and seeing as though students harass the actual squirrels on campus, we figured we should set some boundaries for our new Squirrel Friend. To get an idea of proper mascot etiquette, we interviewed expert ex-mascotter Phillip Witmer-Rich. Who were you? How long did you serve? Phil: I was Billy the Bomber. He is a fighter pilot guy and I served as the mascot for 2 years. What do you want people to know about interacting with a mascot? Phil: Mascots are people, too. This...
October 7, 2022
How to make your campus boo FALL for you
October marks the start of cuffing season, so if you’re single and want to mingle, we have some tips for you! How to find a date: Even on a campus as small as Goshen, it can be hard to find a date. Dating apps are an option, but often feel inauthentic or inaccessible to people looking for genuine love. Don’t fret. There are always options. Put a personal ad in “The Record” Have a friend set you up on a blind date Put up posters around campus with your phone number and a QR code for people to schedule...
September 30, 2022
Crosswords with Caleb
Scroll down for answers. ACROSS: 1. Clump 4. Place on campus where one might have foam at the mouth, for short 5. “Slow and steady wins the race,” for example 7. Makes yawn 8. Flair DOWN: 1. Gal in Wonder Woman 2. Egg Maker 3. Item whose varieties include cinnamon and everything 4. Boxers punches 6. Common language suffix
September 30, 2022
If people on campus were animals
It’s fair to say we have some… bright… personalities on campus here at GC. After being described as “feral” by Abby King during kick-off, we (Ana and Emma) have deemed it necessary to embrace GC’s wild side by identifying people on campus with uncanny similarities to particular animals. Phillip Witmer-Rich: Peacock This man is showy and knows how to strut his stuff. Always fashionable with his tote, you will never catch Phil sporting a backpack as that is wayyy too plebeian for his taste. David Housman: Sloth If David Housman spent half as much time upside down as sloths...
September 30, 2022
H2Oh my gosh…this water sucks!
Water is an element essential to life. However, certain individuals that I room with are accustomed to certain luxuries, such as reverse osmosis, and feel like the water on campus is inadequate, or unpleasing to their palette. As such, I have taken it upon myself to test and sample each of the water fountains here on Goshen College’s campus and decide for myself which buildings overall have the best water fountains. UNION BUILDING: Fraker Water ☆☆☆☆ The water at the Fraker is honestly pretty nice, I think it’s cold and refreshing. Only downside is that it’s not always available,...
September 16, 2022
Ask Miss Maple
Dear Miss Maple, Lately, I’ve been having some problems with my roommate, Barnabus. Barney and I were really good friends last year, and thought it made perfect sense to room together this year. So far, however, the roommate situation has not gone to play. For starters, Barney doesn’t clean up after himself. His clothes are all over the floor, and he frequently orders pizza and just leaves the boxes on the ground. I’m pretty sure there’s mold on some of them, and an ant colony may be forming. Barney has yet to do any laundry, and his socks are exuding...
September 8, 2022
Crosswords with Caleb
Across: 1. Theme of GC’s opening convocation, with 9-Across 5. How some estimates start 7. ___ Dame 8. Visibly dizzy, in an old-fashioned way 9. See 1-Across Down 1. Rodriguez who starred in “Jane the Virgin” 2. Stenches 3. Bone: Prefix 4. “Is it too bold of me?” 6. What Scott asked the audience to do when singing the Alma Mater
September 8, 2022
Some expert tips for the frosh (from a wise soph)
Oh, freshman year. A time of excitement and opportunity. A time when nothing quite feels real and you always have the excuse, “I’m just a freshman.” A time when you realize just how much you’d take seeing a crockpot on the counter at your mom’s house over whatever the Rott is serving. Ana and I (and our friends) were on a bit of a rollercoaster ride our first year. Here are some things we wish someone had told us when we were new: 1.Don’t set your expectations for community bathrooms too high. I was naive and assumed that by living...
September 8, 2022
Goshen College: “I thought it was a Catholic School.”
When I was little, I was certain I knew what a Mennonite was. A Mennonite was that small, evil Kirby thing with wings and a sword. Oh wAiT that’s Meta Knight. Just kidding. I had no idea what a Mennonite was. However, after going to church for a bit, enough knowledge got bonked into my skull that I now have a reasonable understanding of what Mennonites are (hint: not Amish). From what I gathered, Mennonites have three main things that separate them from everyone else. Pacifism: Mennonites love a good ‘ol pacifistic approach to life. This includes conflict de-escalation or...