funnies
February 2, 2023
February 2, 2023
I’m not an ‘old head’
I have a new ritual. I wake up everyday and drudge to the bathroom. I slather a pea-sized blob of blue goo on my teethbrusher and before I begin scrubbing, I lock eyes with the version of myself residing in the mirror dimension. I stare into my pupils’ abyss and chant, “I am not old. I am not an old head.” Then, I brush and I let the tears flow. According to Urban Dictionary, the term “old head” describes a person that “is still in the scene beyond the ‘acceptable’ or expected age.” As I prepare to walk the stage...
January 26, 2023
Crosswords with Caleb 1/26
ACROSS 1. Q-tips, for example 6. Extremely cold 7. This word, with 2- Down, could be its own clue 8. Game show “Let’s make ___” 9. Adjective that might describe a fox DOWN 1. Org. for animal lovers 2. See 7-Across 3. Succulents that soothe 4. ___ metabolic rate (energy expended just by existing) 5. “R u kidding me??” Link to Solution
January 26, 2023
January 26, 2023
Rejected mascots air their grievances
We all know and love Dash, our school’s beloved mascot. Dash, whom we see very often, was selected to embody the spirit of the Goshen College student body by a committee of smart people. Last year, Dash entered our hearts and minds after winning over the committee and beating out quite a few other potential mascots. Our furry friend soon appeared at basketball games, convocations and in promotional material. Meanwhile, the leftovers were left to rot; rumors circulated that the other mascots were even banned from campus after a series of threatening remarks made towards President Stoltzfus. Nobody has seen...
January 19, 2023
Crosswords with Caleb 1/19
ACROSS 1. Questions 5. Baking ingredient 7. Slow and plodding, in music 8. “Please, have ___” 9. It might have pie slices on it DOWN 1. Insurance company whose name rhymes with “quack” 2. Question mark’s partner on the keyboard 3. Kimchi is its national dish 4. Baking ingredient 6. Spot to find some baked goods on campus, informally solution
January 19, 2023
An SST destination proposal
Since the inception of Goshen College’s Study Service Term (SST), the program has provided students with a top-notch cross-cultural education. Many return home from SST eager to share all their experiences and lessons learned. Believe it or not, the program was even ranked the fourth best study abroad program in the country in 2015. Yep, you read that right. Fourth. It’s truly unbelievable. However, if you stop and really think about it, fourth place is the equivalent of a participation ribbon. Yeah … like one of those ribbons they give you when you suck, but they don’t wanna hurt your...
January 19, 2023
Critics find a hidden gem in Rott cuisine
When the names Caleb Gingerich and Birch Baer are brought up in conversation, a telepathic wave of unspoken understanding passes through the thoughts of participating individuals. Its message? “Those two individuals have class.” It is true. We only partake in the finer things that Goshen College has to offer. Our luxurious lifestyle reflects our ethics and approach to life. If something is not up to our standards of high-society living, it is not worth our precious time. Because we are more amazing than you, we have decided that it is our job to share our undeniably and unbiasedly accurate opinions...
December 1, 2022
Refrigerated vending machine review
On a cold, dark Monday evening before Thanksgiving break, Funnies co-editors, Emma and Ana, and fellow Record editors, Tyson and Phil, sat down to make the ultimate sacrifice to quench the curiosity of the Goshen College student body. Whispers on campus wondering what could possibly be contained in the refrigerated vending machine in the Union Building by ITS have circulated for weeks. Our four brave editors decided it was their duty to take on this task. All of the food was prepared according to the microwave instructions on the packaging. To quickly sum up the experience, it was a “lotta...
November 11, 2022
Crosswords with Caleb
ACROSS 1. What 40.7 million people did early for the midterm election 5. President currently building a library in Chicago 7. What some corporations do to impact a legislators 1-Across 8. Palindromic tennis champ of the 1990s 9. Spanish 101 verb DOWN 1. One of Tennessee’s basketball teams, for short 2. Double-reeded woodwind instruments 3. Postpone, as a piece of legislation 4. Fire remnant 6. Sailors yeses Scroll down for answers
November 11, 2022
Life advice from preschoolers
It’s November. It’s stressful. It’s cold, and I’m running out of sources of joy. So I went to the experts on campus: the students of the Campus Center for Young Children, or CCYC. I worked with these children over the summer, and man, kids really do say the darndest things. So, in hopes of renewing my lively flame of life, I ventured over to the church playground and asked some kiddos some questions. What advice would you give to a stressed college student, like me? I got varied replies on this one, from “I don’t know” to “give them a...
November 11, 2022
Comedy is hard and you shouldn’t do it
This past week, I spent four days in the Big Apple, the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. As Alicia Keys sings, “there’s nothing you can’t do.” Except, it seems, there is something you can’t do: be a stand-up comic. Let me explain. One night, I decided to explore Times Square with several other GC students. We got roped into a conversation with a very charismatic guy selling tickets to a stand-up comedy club. We knew we were getting scammed. The club had a two-drink minimum (the cheapest drink was water for $5), and the lineup for the evening...
November 3, 2022
How to: Halloween costume recycling
Halloween has passed, and I, like many others, now have a random costume hanging in my closet. The question always becomes — what the heck do I do with this odd, obviously niche piece of clothing now? Well, luckily for you, dear reader, I have some ideas on how you can reduce, reuse and recycle your Halloween costume from this year, and even from years past. First of all, this problem is always avoidable if you simply don’t purchase a costume. Don’t buy into those seemingly eloquently made gowns or cloaks that for some reason are way too alluring to...
November 3, 2022
Confessions of a washed-up pumpkin thief
Westlawn Dining Hall hosted a competition throughout the month of October in which students were challenged to guess the weight of a large pumpkin. On Oct. 26, the pumpkin mysteriously disappeared. Now, in an exclusive inside scoop, the thief comes clean. A giant pumpkin. About 98 pounds. Where would someone locate a pumpkin of this heft? Hard to say. I wanted it. I needed it. The orange monstrosity sat before me, ever-tempting me. I woke up early the morning I did it. 7:30 a.m., to be precise. My roommates had an 8 a.m. class, and they woke me up. My...
October 28, 2022
Scariest spots on campus
In the spirit of Halloween, we have tried to think of some activities to get us into the mood for such a spooky holiday. We thought of traditional activities like trick-or-treating, visiting haunted houses, and decorating, but soon realized that there was a much cheaper option right under our noses. We decided to visit the scariest places on Goshen College’s campus and publish a list for any of our readers that might be interested in doing the same. Warning: this list is not for the faint of heart. Visual Arts Building: Rumor has it that this site has a ghost...