When the names Caleb Gingerich and Birch Baer are brought up in conversation, a telepathic wave of unspoken understanding passes through the thoughts of participating individuals. Its message? “Those two individuals have class.” 

The flaw of the modern restaurant is too much variety. Options scare the weak palate, but this is not a problem for Westlawn Dining Hall.

— Birch and Caleb

It is true. We only partake in the finer things that Goshen College has to offer. Our luxurious lifestyle reflects our ethics and approach to life. If something is not up to our standards of high-society living, it is not worth our precious time. 

Because we are more amazing than you, we have decided that it is our job to share our undeniably and unbiasedly accurate opinions with all the simpletons of the GC community who can’t tell the difference between a metal and gold watch. 

Our first lesson to the unwashed masses will be an exclusive food review of Westlawn Dining Hall, or, in simpleton language, “the Rott.” 

We will be scoring this institution under the guidelines of three categories: taste, presentation and environment. Then we will calculate the scores (in our very large and smart brains) and give Westlawn Dining Hall a rating of one to three. Let us embark.

Taste

Westlawn Dining Hall provides a unique flavor profile for the hungry patron. While variety — necessary for all quality establishments — is a cornerstone of the culinary institution, the Rott manages to provide consistency simultaneously. All of the food, regardless of different ingredients or cooking methods, tastes distinctly “Rott-like.” The flaw of the modern restaurant is too much variety. Options scare the weak palate, but this is not a problem for Westlawn Dining Hall.

Presentation

Nobody presents entrees like the Rott. For example, picture a grilled cheese sandwich in your head. You’re probably envisioning hot, steamy, orange (maybe yellow) cheese nestled between two crisp, buttery slices of bread. An American staple. 

Now take that image out back and teach it a lesson. Instead of this rudimentary interpretation, the Rott produces an avant-garde take on the kids menu classic. When you look at a Rott grilled cheese sandwich, you will be forced to ponder the nature of grilled cheese itself. As each dish challenges the expectations of the diner, the Rott has clearly mastered the art of presentation. Environment

Picture this. You walk into a dining hall. The smell of partially steamed broccoli wafts through the pleasant and strangely humid air. Tranquil melodies of culturally progressive music surf on the crevices of your ear holes. You walk past the table, which seats 13 freshmen squished together. You look out the windows and see your friend walking. You try to wave, but they don’t wave back. Embarrassed, you briefly look around to see if anyone noticed. You make momentary eye contact with someone who quickly averts their gaze, probably hoping to spare you the shame. You are devastated, but then you look up and remember where you are (Westlawn Dining Hall) and you are happy.

Well done, Westlawn Dining Hall, well done. We award you three out of three stars.