Dear Miss Maple,

Lately, I’ve been having some problems with my roommate, Barnabus. Barney and I were really good friends last year, and thought it made perfect sense to room together this year. So far, however, the roommate situation has not gone to play. 

For starters, Barney doesn’t clean up after himself. His clothes are all over the floor, and he frequently orders pizza and just leaves the boxes on the ground. I’m pretty sure there’s mold on some of them, and an ant colony may be forming. Barney has yet to do any laundry, and his socks are exuding an odor I didn’t even know was possible. He has also taken to blasting “Cbat” by Hudson Mohawke at ungodly hours of the night. Says it “helps him sleep.” 

When he gets up (at 6 am), he blares the Home Depot Theme song while flexing in the mirror as he gets ready. I thought this was the worst it was going to get. But then last night, something even worse happened. Barney started sleep-talking (talking isn’t the right word for it…screaming is perhaps more precise). I don’t know what to do. He is so obnoxious, and it’s putting a slight damper on our friendship. Please help.

— Bogged down by Barnabus

 

Dear “Bogged down by Barnabus,”

I’m so sorry to hear that your roommate situation is not as you anticipated. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do for you. “Cbat” is a banger, and you should refine your music taste. Sleep screaming is a genuine medical condition (known as dormoscreechosus) and can’t be helped. Likely, Barnabus is probably suffering from a chronically sore throat due to the screaming that is much worse than whatever it is doing to you. Stop victim blaming and instead have some support for Barnabus. 

The one thing I can help you with is the mess. Trash makes for excellent crafting materials! Spruce up your room by turning that moldy pizza box into an abstract painting for the wall. Take extra wrappers and make a little knotted rug. In terms of the smell, Axe Body Spray always works wonders. 

 

Dear Miss Maple,

The guy that I really like won’t text me back. I gave him my Snapchat, and he still hasn’t added me! Whenever I see him around campus, I try to catch his eye but he is always looking in the opposite direction. The other day, I think he was talking to me, but he called me Clarisse… My name is Stacey. My friends say that I “come on too strong” and that people “don’t appreciate love letters shoved under their doors.” I just don’t know what else to do. How oblivious can this guy be? I mean, I’ve been crushing on him for two whole days! Help me get my dream date! 

— Sincerely, Swooning Stacey

 

Dear “Swooning,” 

Sounds like you got it bad. Honestly, why do you even like this guy? 

But if you insist on pursuing him, you have to seriously up your game. Love letters? So 1860’s. If you want someone to love you, you have to proclaim it! I’m talking posters, campus-wide emails, flags with their face on them, candlelit Rott dinner tables… get a cardboard cutout of them to practice “talking to!” These actions are sure to not go unnoticed. Any sensible guy will clearly recognize your… passionate… advances and respond accordingly. Anyone would be lucky to have such a dedicated partner like you, Swooning. When in doubt, smother them in love. Happy courting!

 

Disclaimer: The advice given here is for satirical purposes only. Please do not attempt. Miss Maple and the Goshen College Record do not condone any stalkerish behavior or activities that will result in harm.