Dear Miss Maple,

I’m in love with my best friend and I’m trying to give hints. I follow him around campus all the time, I steal all of his clothes and watch him sleep at 3 a.m. He still hasn’t gotten the hints, what do I do?


Sincerely, — 

Lovestruck Bestie


Dear Lovestruck, 

Honestly, he sounds overrated. What is love other than pain anyways? Romantic endeavors only end in tragedy. They’ll refuse to sign a prenup and then take all of your money after 10 years of marriage. The only appealing part of love is the food- if you can get someone to cook for you, that’s all you need. But seriously, why get bogged down with a crush when you can literally do anything else? Love is nothing more than a product of capitalist ideology in which people are strongly encouraged to court, “fall in love” and spend money. Dating is expensive, weddings are expensive and kids…the most expensive endeavor a couple can experience. As my mother tells me, “it takes an awful good man to be better than no man” (or person for that matter). So in reality, accept that love is futile, fake, and controlled by the government and you’ll be set for life. Stay strong and stay single. 


Dear Miss Maple,

Java is constantly out of cream cheese and that’s the whole reason to get a bagel. Should I just spend the money on my own cream cheese?



Cream Cheese Connoisseur 


Dear Connoisseur, 


I’m so sorry to hear about your predicament. Fortunately, I have an easy solution: Just make your own cream cheese!! First, you’ll need to find a milkable cow, but luckily for you, we’re surrounded by farmland! Ask a farmer if you can borrow one of their cows for a quick project. I won’t go into the specifics of milking a cow, but based on “How to Milk a Cow” on Wikihow, it should be relatively straightforward. You’ll need a bucket, some gloves, and udder butter. Squeeze the teats until you get about 8 cups of milk from the cow. Once you have your moo juice, you’ll need to bring it to a boil in a saucepan. Once it starts to boil, add juice from one large lemon and turn off the heat. Set the mixture aside for a few minutes and let it curdle. All of your curds should form within a few minutes, and then use a strainer or slotted spoon to separate the curds from liquid whey. Rinse the curds with cold water and squeeze them to get out any excess whey. Throw the curds into a food processor and add ½ teaspoon of salt. Blend it all together, and you’ll have some nice, yummy, appetizing cream cheese! You can also add materials like chives or cinnamon and honey to recreate your favorite cream cheese flavor. If you master making your own cream cheese, you could even start packaging it and selling it outside of Java for other bagel consumers. People will pay anything to have some thick, flavorful cream cheese for their bagels.