Liquid cardboard, anyone?

Liquid cardboard, anyone?

DAVID JANTZ

Contributing Writer

dljantz@goshen.edu

I try to maximize efficiency. As a senior with a schedule jam-packed full of avoiding homework, putting off homework, and realizing too late that I should have done my homework, I simply don’t have time for the luxuries many other people enjoy.

For example, meals. Lame. Enjoying the ecstasy of myriad flavors flowing over my palate? Pshhh. Taking the time to be intentional about interacting with friends, deepening the bonds that will endure long past graduation? Whatever. I could be much more efficient by wasting that time on the Internet instead.

So when I heard of a new-fangled product the youngsters are calling “Soylent,” my figurative long hairy rabbit ears perked up. Soylent, despite having a very strange name, is a very strange product.

Apparently this dude who got tired of eating food day in and day out was like, “Wait! What if I put all the basic nutrients humans need into one, suspiciously nondescript white bottle?”

Thus, Soylent was born. The nutrition label is full of very long words, a winning strategy that fooled the FDA into approving the drink for consumption. For example: “Isomaltooligosaccharide”, “dI-alpha-tocopheryl acetate,” and “antidisestablishmentarianism.”

My interest was well and truly piqued. Long story short, I purchased a box of the stuff as a birthday present for a buddy of mine (with the stipulation that I got to have some, obviously).

The bottles that shipped were every bit as suspicious and nondescript as I had hoped! Unfortunately, the cost was a little prohibitive for a day’s worth of nutrition… I suppose somebody’s got to be paid to make up all those long words!

With both hunger and excitement mounting, I eagerly twisted off the cap of a bottle, took a deep breath, and ate… uh, drank… the fluid food within. Instantly, one word crystallized in my mind.

Cardboard.

Yes, dear readers, as you may have suspected from the title of this article, the overwhelming description that I have to offer to you all is that Soylent is to cardboard as boogers are to snot. They are one and the same. Perhaps all that fiber is what does it.

I am no cardboard connoisseur, but I would rank Soylent as the most scrumptious cardboard I have ever encountered. So don’t let that deter you from following in my proud footsteps and trying Soylent for yourself! It is an experience you will only regret a little bit.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some very urgent procrastination I need to get to.

Written by Record

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