Folks, it’s the end of another semester. Another pile of money poured down the drain so you can pursue your major in peace, justice and sexual studies on Wyse 3. Another eighth closer to getting pushed off the cliff into the real world, where sexual knowledge is surprisingly not a prerequisite for most jobs (really!). It went by even faster than “Hot Babes” disappear at the Rot (which, admittedly, is not that fast).
Suddenly, we find ourselves pitched headlong into a world of new decisions and situations that we must navigate carefully… Fortunately, you have me to remind you of all of them so you can get even more stressed out this season!
The most obvious of these changes is the onset of solidified water getting in the way everywhere. This is also known as winter. According to The Old Farmer’s Almanac, this winter will be even colder than the last.
“Colder is just almost too familiar a term,” Almanac editor Janice Stillman said. “Think of it as a refriger-nation.”
Aside from the poor quality of this pun, I am somewhat skeptical of their claim. The Almanac derives its weather forecasts from “a secret formula” that was devised by some dude in 1792, who believed that sunspots influence the weather on Earth. Seriously.
Aside from slipping on the ice, the start of winter break is another stumbling point for many students. For instance, pre-break dorm room cleaning. Is it good etiquette to finally clean the dirty dishes that have sat in one’s room for the entire semester prior to leaving for break?
On one hand, the greens and reds of the mold make beautiful Christmas decorations. But then again, it might gain sentience over break and go on a rampage when you come back. It’s a difficult choice, so you’ll have to weigh the options and make the decision that’s right for you. Maybe the Farmer’s Almanac has a secret formula to help with this kind of dilemma.
Also, once you’re at home what will you do with yourself? You may make lots of awesome plans for things you want to do with your copious spare time, but let’s face it, you’ll probably just lay around eating at home. But that’s not all bad–a little comfort food goes a long way to help get through four weeks without your beloved funnies editor.
Yes, we’re sad to see that the end of 2014 is drawing near. But as we weather the upcoming storms, literal and metaphorical, we must remember to stay focused on what really matters–love and respect for our fellow man. That, and HAZMAT suits to protect from angry mold colonies.