Headline: ‘Tis the Season to Go See Eurydice
Really, though, do it. We’ll wait.
OK, you’re back! You loved it, of course. The weather outside is frightful, but that play was so delightful. Which brings us to our second topic: It’s cold as bells outside.
This is, of course, surprising because you foolishly believed that global warming was real. It’s below freezing, which definitively disproves global warming… in a peer-reviewed and rigorous sort of way (emphasis on “sort of”).
Score: Global warming: 0, Jantzes: 1.
This not-warm environment will challenge your lifestyle, but you can overcome. Sure, you may have just lost another couple of fingers to frostbite. No worries, that music major is still attainable with the help of some inventive application of forehead to piano. And sometimes a little headbanging is just the thing to brighten your day.
But the cold is the least of your worries. Right now you’re gearing up to celebrate Thanksgiving properly! We suggest that you put on your cardboard pilgrim hat and go oppress some Native Americans.
Actually, don’t do that. Thanksgiving break isn’t long enough.
Channel your inner pilgrim through a traditional meal, instead! The world-renowned Westlawn Dining Hall (a.k.a. “Ye Olde New Worlde Rotte”) offers an effervescent line-standing experience. It is rumored there may also be food.
If you successfully forage your food, you can enjoy all of
the privileges of your expensive meal plan: fancy tablecloths, several wine options, a full orchestra providing mood music and Bobby Switzer blundering deliriously around the room mumbling hymns.
Fortunately, this Funnies article is being published a full week before Thanksgiving. So although Ye Olde New Worlde Rotte failed to include any of these items in their “WE HAVE HEARD YOUR COMMENTS!” announcement, they still have time to rise to the occasion! This is especially important for the wine menu.
And let’s not forget about the real meaning behind Thanksgiving: Once you’ve finished off an SST-sized portion of food, spend some time Givingthanks.
Being the helpful Funnies Editors that we are, we’ve provided a list of things you’re thankful for.
1. Such delightful Funnies Editors.
2. But really, though. That deserves two spots on this list (one for each Funnies Editor).
4. That one airlock in the connector that’s always really warm.
5. Progressively getting warmer as you progressively progress between your progressive friends’ houses. Progressively.
6. The latest Java Junction drink of the week, “The Funnies Editor.” [Hint to Java Junction management: this would be a great drink name. Seriously, last year you were forced to stoop to “Horse in a Cup.”]
7.Awesome little sisters, especially if their names happen to rhyme with “Shmelise Shmantz.”
8. The gradual reappearance of a certain Funnies Editor’s eyebrows.
9. In two short weeks, you’ll be FOC-ing every day for hours.
10. Finals: finally here!
And our final advice: Give yourself an early Christmas present. Go see “Eurydice.”