Westlawn Dining Hall has been struck by a serious lack of forks. Starting some day this semester, forks began a mass exodus from the cafeteria to an unknown location. You may have been one of the many who sat down for the meal and asked yourself a simple question: “silver where?”
The first-year duo of Peter Moser and Jory Umble have a theory: “The forks may be going to the same place where all the socks are going.” If this is true, Moser wondered, “Are socks in the dishwasher? Because that would explain the fork I found in the dryer!” However, the crisis could be more serious.
Drawing by Sophia Yoder
Katie Bierbrauer, a first-year American Sign Language interpreting major, accused the squirrels of stealing forks with the goal of overthrowing Goshen College.
They aren’t without help, though. “Dash is working on the inside to help smuggle the forks from the Rott,” Bierbrauer hypothesized.
It is also possible that the forks are leaving willingly. Natalie Neufeld, a first-year nursing major, speculates the forks are simply traveling. She remembered another shortage in the fall, when spoons were missing.
“I think silverware goes on SST. The spoons went in the fall, so now it’s the fork’s turn.” She has “seen pictures of forks in Tanzania, which explains everything.”
In the absence of forks, the Rott has come up with a flimsy substitute, plastic, which Neufeld finds “despicable.”
The plastic forks have Teo Kingsley, a junior theater major and Neufeld’s “third cousin twice removed,” thinking back to the days in the Frott when plastic forks were a daily horror. He hopes the forks can be found soon to avoid having to eat with the poor alternative for much longer.
The final possibility is that the forks are simply being thrown away. Ella Armstrong, a sophomore biochemistry major, guiltily admitted to throwing away “a fork or two … or maybe like ten.”
If the smartest among the GC population are dumping their forks into the trash, imagine what the other majors are doing. Regardless of where they end up, we need to solve this issue as soon as possible.
Goshen College needs your help. If you see a fork, don’t stay quiet; immediately report it to the Forkline: 503-734-0511!
