Abe’s practical guide to over eating

Abe Pauls
Contributing Writer

Have you ever had a good dinner at 6:30 p.m., only to be haunted by hunger pangs at 10 p.m.? I know I have.

No measly snack food in my dorm room could squelch my burning desire for sustenance. I was forced to find my own way of coping. I would like to share this new practice with you now, in the hope that I may save you from the midnight munchies.

The solution: over eating. Here are some pointers on how to eat as much as humanly possible in order to keep your stomach satisfied through the long hours of the night.

Don’t hold back. Fill at least three plates with anything you can find. It doesn’t need to taste good, just be dense and high in fat. Tell yourself, “This is a challenge to my man/woman-hood. If I don’t eat all this, I won’t be able to look myself in the mirror.” Shame, I have found, is an excellent motivator.

Pick your poison. Often times it is much easier to eat a lot of one kind of food rather than trying to sample everything the dining hall has that day. For example, cereal is an excellent choice. After two plates of pizza, try a chaser of eight bowls of Raisin Bran.

The point is to eat as much as you can as fast as you can before you start to feel full. It is a race against time. Remember: eating a lot of one thing can get boring after a while, so switch it up. Personally, I have switched from overdosing on soy milk to cereal to toast and am currently going through a bagel and jam phase.

Pain is only temporary. Eat through it.

You are a champion of the human spirit. People may point and stare when you carry your tray mounded full of shredded wheat across the cafeteria. Ignore them. They are weak. They are only jealous. They wish they could have what you have. Walk tall. Walk proud. Furthermore, this attention you’re getting means your doing something right.

Exercise. The trick is to work out just enough before dinner so that you become incredibly hungry, but not so much that the calories get used up right away. This way you feel like eating more than any other rational human being would ever consider.

Goals. It is important to set goals. Start small; work your way up. This past Saturday I took it upon myself to eat a baguette in the afternoon between meals. Other admirable goals include weekend projects like whole boxes of Cheez-its or a pot roast.

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