Jacob Landis-Eigsti
People love making predictions of what the future will look like. I thought I’d share my thoughts so that 40 years down the road you can say “Oh yeah, remember that funnies writer guy, he totally predicted that pants were only a fad!”Anyhow, my 10 predictions:
1. The world will be in 3-D. They figured out how to make movies 3-D. My prediction is within the next 10 years or so they will develop glasses that will make the entire world in 3-D. Wouldn’t that be nuts?
2. There will never be flying cars. Sorry to all you who have been waiting, but people have enough trouble not colliding on the ground, plus flight licenses can take years to get. Besides, if we were making a flying machine, I don’t think it would look exactly like a car. Jetpacks… hmm… maybe that could work.
3. Apple will come out with the iEverything. A phone, a computer, a music listening device, a fingernail clipper, a blender, an eating utensil, floss, a snuggie, an imaginary friend, a nuclear reactor… everything you could ever possibly want to buy ever you could fit in your pocket.
4. Face to face communication shall cease. Why talk to people in person when you can anonymously be mean to each other on the Internet? At some point, talking will simply become an inconvenience. Going with that…
5. Every phrase will become an abbreviation. I believe conversations shall sound somewhat like the following: OMG, IJTTCB HNIX, HLJLEFT LOL, OCIHTGTHC, TTFN, W, TCBY JLE?
6. Movies will become so 3-D that the actors will actually be there in the theater, perhaps even interacting with people. It will be coined some cool fancy new-age term… like… theater.
7. The Sporknifestrawstick: Spoon, fork, knife, chopsticks and a straw… it’s gonna be big.
8. The U.S. government will merge with Pepsi. With trillions of dollars of debt, the government hasn’t been profitable for a while. Luckily, all that debt is pocket change for Pepsi; the CEOs of Pepsi use trillion dollar bills to blow their nose.
9. The new big food in America: A hot dog, wrapped in bacon and bubble gum, dipped in chocolate, deep fat fried, covered in maple sugar, spread with a little mayo and cheese whiz. Mmm, I can feel my arteries crying out with joy already.
10. Do you realize that the majority of the food we eat now comes from the ground–from dirt? Gross! We’ll surely see all our food grown in a more natural and less disgusting way: inside a lab and with hundreds of ingredients that no living person has any idea how to pronounce. I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing a lot more Mikacorzazaglokaspielwhatisthisqueesesta`t’sqqqrzapine.
