If there’s anything that all you loyal funnies readers know, it’s that we here at the Record funnies page love the Internet.

I mean, seriously. If I could marry this inanimate, intangible web of electronic signals, I would do it in a heartbeat (thanks, Proposition 8). I can’t actually think of anything that would be better than this.

UNTIL JUST NOW.

I regret to inform you, the public, that this evening of February 4, 2009, the Internet has failed to entertain me. Please, take a moment to read over that again and consider its impact on your and my (but especially my) life.

I know what you might be saying: Tyler, you just didn’t try hard enough. You could have found some sort of entertainment out there, somewhere.

If you are saying this, you are speaking lies. Filthy, filthy lies.

Imagine the Internet like a planet – say, our planet. Please be assured that I searched basically the whole thing. I mean, like, from the Electric Brew all the way out to IHOP. I searched from Wal-Mart on US 33 south of town to … the other Wal-Mart on US 33 north of town.

I mean, like, the ENTIRE WORLD. And you know what I found? Nothing. Not a dang thing.

The old standards didn’t work: Facebook, The Onion, Wikipedia, webcomics, crappy flash games. Nothing. It’s like I walked from The Shire to Mordor and back, and I didn’t see a single elf or orc or Lord of Darkness or giant eagle or gigantic city with seven walls or anything (lol nerd).

So, this is it, the Internet. You and me? This thing just isn’t working. I think it’s time we go our separate ways.

I know that this will be rough for the both of us…

…

Oh, hey, don’t cry. C’mon, you know I can’t stand it when you … OK, you’re right. You’re right.

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No, hey, don’t go. Don’t go! No! I was wrong, alright? You were right. I was wrong. It wasn’t you. It was me. I … I got all crazy for a second. I said some things I didn’t mean, and I apologize. What do you mean? … I said I apologize! Why are you still? …

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What do you mean, you’re leaving? You can’t leave! I can’t live without you! Think about me, what will I do?

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Why would you even say that? … Oh, now you’re just being hurtful! Fine, go, see if I care! See if I care what you do!

…

Wait! No! I didn’t mean it! Come back to me! Come back to me! Don’t goooo! …