Jacob Landis-Eigsti

My kids are going to hate me.  Although I am sure they will find hundreds of other reasons to hate me, probably the main reason is that there are just way too many gosh darn awesome names.  Now, as I wrote the article on Goshen dating two weeks ago, I’m sure many of you are engaged and ready to begin picking out names.  Hopefully with my thoughts about names, your kids can hate you just as much as mine are going to hate me.

I think I am going to have to have 25 children so I can use all my epic names.  How sweet would it be to have a kid with a legendary name?  How about Thor, Hercules, Zeus, Theodin, Xanatar, Elektra, Olympian, Velociraptor… the list goes on.  Nobody would mess with your kid.  On the flipside of epic sounding names are not so epic sounding names.  I would forever feel bad about naming my kids one of these names, but at the same time it would bring a lifetime of chuckling every single time you said their name.  Names like Winipus, Turdicus, Nerdicus, Melvin, Snugalug, Bort, Bacon, Aaron Kaufmann…and so many more.  Although they would get teased like none other, how the heck could you ever be mean to a son you named Turdicus?  It just wouldn’t happen.

Biblical names are popular and pretty timeless.  However, I feel some biblical names aren’t used often enough.  You don’t meet too many Goliaths, or Herods, or Judases.  Other good ones I found were Og, Uz, Put, Aiah, Zaza, Ir, Uzzi, Zur, Igal, Koz, Iddo, Zia, and Buz.  I think it’s time some of those names got brought back.

Then there is always the middle name to go with that glorious first name.  I’ve always thought “Freaking” would make a sweet middle name…Jacob Freaking Landis-Eigsti.  Ah, it has a nice ring to it.  Or perhaps a question mark will do.  Jacob ? Landis-Eigsti. Actually, now that I think of it, ? would be a pretty awesome first name as well  Other cool middle names: The, Toosexyforhisshirt, Holla!, Whatup?, Coolerthanyou, Shakennotstirred, Danger, Ridesawolftowork, Bearwrestler, and Booyakasha.

I’ve always wondered if you can name your kids directions.  Like, Jacob (shrug) Landis-Eigsti.  Rather than saying the name you’d just have to perform the action.  It could even fit with the name.  “This is my son Thor (scream and punch you in the face), and here is Snugalug (eat a bug), Winipus (shyly and awkwardly make eye contact), and then Goliath (kick a puppy).

I’m sure there are many, many more incredible names but I think this is all I can cover in this article.  I’m sure five years down the road I will receive many letters saying “hey, you named my baby,” and then 15 years down the road many angry letters from 10 year olds.  Deep down in their hearts though, they’ll know that their names are truly sweet, and the random stranger who named them was only trying to make the world more awesome.