The advent of this academic year brings a momentous occasion. No, not a funnies article filled with Star Wars puns—though that is certainly a force to be reckoned with. Rather, the “herd has been thinned,” and only the superior Jantz Funnies editor remains on the Goshen scene. It felt like a millennium, but co-editor Leah and I can finally spread our unfettered x-wings to take full advantage of the benefits of this much-coveted position, without the shadow of my older sister looming like the knowledge of my father’s identity.And a coveted position it is! The great pay1, the admiration2, and a host of other advantages3 all provide me with everything I could dream of, now that I am the solo Jantz. There is literally4 no job better than this.
Since I have this soapbox to preach from, I might as well introduce myself. I am a third year molecular biology and biochemistry major (molecular biology is apparently a different beast than biochemistry, even though they literally5 state the same idea, only reversed.) I switched to the dark side from physics a year and a half ago and never looked back. If you first-years are looking for happiness with a physics major, I’m sorry, but you’re looking in Alderaan places.
I am a tall, white, heterosexual, privileged man, and to me a position of power it grants6. Aware of my stereotypical-ness, I once tried to introduce some diversity to this position by shaving off both of my eyebrows. This was heralded by admiration-filled praise and even laughter from my dear readers. Perhaps in the future I will get a Tatooine.
I live at Kenwood, where, not to brag or anything7, there is a perfect imitation of Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs. Even better than an eleVader, in my opinion. Community living is an experience I look forward to, and especially all the opportunities it affords for passive-aggressive conflict resolution! On an unrelated note, whoever’s moldy sandwich that is in the fridge needs to be gone by this weekend, OR ELSE.
Yes indeed, this semester brings new hope for the funnies page. Readers, you will laugh, dance and weep on this spaceship ride of spotlight-hogging, fulfillment of stereotypes, and poor conflict management. And above all, forced puns.
3 Nonexistent; I needed a third item so the list wouldn’t look stupid
4 Metaphorically. Not that I feel lukewarm about it or anything
6 Not as much as Yoda, unfortunately
7 To brag