This Valentine’s Day, do something special with your sweetie. Even if your beloved doesn’t yet know that the two of you are soulmates. That calls for drastic action, and so we present: The ULTIMATE, be-all, end-all, absolutely comprehensive Flirting Examination. Take this test to make sure your romantic repertoire is up to scratch before tomorrow, then go out into the world confident in the knowledge that you are a Master of Romance, Queen of Courtship, Lord of Love, Earl of Enchantment, Baroness of Amour.
1. What is the best way to signal romantic interest?
A. Generalized facial twitching (for example, winking, suggestive eyebrows, biting your lip, or generally looking like you’re having a seizure).
B. Stay on their floor until 11:02 pm.
C. Stare silently from across the room in all of their classes. Even the ones you’re not in.
D. Propose at Kickoff.
2. What is the ideal first date?
A. Explore the tunnels.
B. At this time of year? Hibernate for another month.
D. Cow tipping.
3. How should you ask someone out on a date?
A. “So…Are you free…I mean…Do you want to do some homework tonight?”
B. I don’t need no man/woman.
C. Perform a courting dance like a dodo bird.
D. Set up a romantic scavenger hunt across campus, with the final clue cleverly hidden within the Rott compost.
4. Most important characteristic in a significant other:
A. Excellent harmonica player.
B. Sweater vest.
C. Has spent exactly 83 days in Uzbekistan.
D. Lives at Greencroft.
The best courtship gift is chocolate. (Hint: True.)
80% of Goshen students are listed as “Goshen Dating” on Facebook.
Baby, it’s cold outside.