Approximately 17 seconds after agreeing to take on a co-editing position for the funnies page, I realized I have no idea what I’m doing and that my sense of humor typically involves insulting or offending others (making me the obvious choice for a humor-based page of a school newspaper). Luckily my much more qualified, significantly more experienced, and exponentially better-at-pulling-off-earrings co-editor imparted some relatively obvious wisdom to me in the midst of a riveting hymn sing and recommended I use this article to introduce myself. So here I am!

You may remember me from the funnies page from last year … just kidding! The one week that my dreams finally came true and I got to write an article was the same week that David Jantz wrote a piece that had no less than 10 million puns related to male sex-organs. Which basically means that I got the shaft and no one even noticed my hilarity.

Unfortunately for you all, I’m back for round two, so here’s everything you could possibly need to know about me:

I’m really just your average Goshen College student: I own a pair of Uggs, I shamelessly subscribe to Cosmopolitan, and I don’t really care that much about the environment (sorry Roots of the Environmental Crisis, you really tried. I was almost on board to be passionate about the earth until I caught a stomach bug from the trash audit and threw up approximately 14 times).

I will never not laugh at the snapchat of the Chihuahua wondering if her (or his – don’t want to be heteronormative!) husband will ever return from war, and I appreciate any and all renditions of it.

I am hilarious on Twitter, in my humble opinion. All of my best work is 140 characters or less, so if you think this article isn’t funny, you’re probably right. You know what is funny, though? Me live-tweeting the first time I tried to use the Diva Cup I won during Healthy Bodies Week last year (I went to an all-girls high school, which means I way over-share about this kind of stuff. #sorrynotsorry. Get used to it, learn from it, and stop being so weird about something that happens all the time [and by all the time I mean every 12 hours because Diva Cups are the best!]).

I can’t write an article for The Record without making some joke referencing my complete lack of knowledge and skill in the sports world. This week’s vignette comes from the men’s soccer game Saturday night, when I enthusiastically cheered for the other team as they scored their first goal. In my defense, I had just arrived and hadn’t had any time to scope out the field and see which team was running in which direction. Also, I don’t recognize our goalie. I’m sure he’s great, though!

I don’t know how to write a conclusion because I’m a math major and David Housman is a kind soul who doesn’t make us write very much.