There’s a new force to be reckoned with in the world. It’s slicker than Goshen’s sidewalks in an eight month Polar Vortex. It’s more potent than the E. coli in the Dam Goshen Pond – I mean the Goshen Dam Pond. This enigma is orders of magnitude more fashionable than the classy V-neck, Kick-Off t-shirts. It even competes with the raw power of one of “Not Your Average” Joe Liechty’s class lectures. You guessed it: iOS 8 is here.According to Apple, this update is “the biggest iOS release ever.” And readers, truer words have never been uttered. This radical new paradigm offers some of the most daring and innovative modifications to the rearrangement of pixels the world has ever seen.
It does away with that pesky wifi. After downloading the studly new iOS, many users complain that they can no longer connect to the Internet. However, with time they will come to realize that this forward-thinking change will shift them into a more simplistic lifestyle.
Hand in hand with this shift is the reduction in available storage space for apps and music. Combined with the lack of wifi, users will soon operate without the worldly distractions of the World Wide Web or Candy Crush. Hopefully, they will attain a zen-like state of existence wherein they sit on iMountain-tops in iRobes and contemplate the seamlessly smooth iNterface of their iProducts (see Chad Coleman).
Siri has also received extensive renovations. She can now iDentify any song that is playing, along with the album, artist, his or her date of birth, Social Security number, banking information, etc. (Just kidding… I think).
Yet another fabulous new feature is accessible via the camera app. Users scroll through the camera settings until they reach the “time travel” option. Then, they simply tap the red button and sit back as they travel into the future. Apple has yet to figure out how to make users travel forward any faster than they were already, but according to Apple CEO Tim Cook, “We’re working on that.”
Readers, you will be absolutely iBlown away by the new operating system. With its daring strategy of improving a few things slightly and causing big problems that interfere with productivity, Apple’s jewel of iNnovation is knocking the socks, sandals and fanny packs off the community of Apple lovers. I, for one, subscribe wholeheartedly to iOS 8 for all my iNeeds. That is, until iWant to play Candy Crush again.