“I don’t always call I/O Voices, but when I do, I’m Jared Miller.”

– Luke Slagel

“Mother[flipper]! This is Vasti Rosado, Clare Maxwell and Alison Krawiec, and we’re just a little bit upset because we’ve noticed that most of the writers for the Funnies section are bros. And as non-bros on campus, because, you know, we’re women, we would really like to see some equal opportunity comedy. Because, you should be fighting for equality, The Record. Yeah! Okay. We’re funny sisters. We want women to write in the Funnies section, because women are awesome, and they’re really funny too. Okay.”

– Vasti Rosado, Clare Maxwell, and Alison Krawiec.

“This is Jared Miller, and I just want to say, I’m sorry, Marshal Watson, but this is the best I/O Voices of all time!!!”

– Andrew Shenk

“Hey, this is Jared Miller. If I called into I/O Voices earlier saying it was me – it wasn’t. Jared Miller NEVER calls I/O Voices.”

– Jared Miller

“Hey, this is Jared Miller, and I’m sorry for that last call. It wasn’t me. That’s all.”

– Carlin Epp

“Hey, this is Rudy Witwiller, Rit… Wit… Litwiller! And I just wanted so say, bees?? Bees?!?!”

– Jared Miller

“Hi, this is Jared Miller. Meow. Meooww. Meow. [A lot more meows].”

– Becca Kraybill and her felines

“Hello, I’d like to issue a missing person report. We have not seen Josiah Simpson in the last couple of days. He was last seen headed toward Coffman. We’re really worried about him so if you have any information, please contact apartment 208. Thank you.”

– Josh Snyder

“Why have all the campus printers switched to default print one-sided? I don’t appreciate having my print money wasted.”

– Rudy Witwiller


“Yeah, this is uh, Marshal “Patch” Watson. I’m just standing here touching my beard. It feels really good. So, if anybody going to college campus wants to challenge me to a beard competition, challenge me, because you  can – not – win. I did it!!”

-Josiah Simpson

As Interpreted by Google Voice:

“I yeah, this is Marcel patch Lawson, hey, i’ve been saying you’re optimize it said McMahon. If anybody outgoing Kansas. Los Altos, man I love you know that there’s office and John but you can. My went, hey you know I good night bye bye page.”

– Josiah Simpson