A few weeks ago, our esteemed editor-in-chief and benevolent leader, Elizabeth Franks-North, approached me about becoming a co-editor of the funnies section in the Record.Instantly my mind went into overdrive. Imagine the glory of this prestigious and powerful position! The honor! The babes! The esteem! More babes! I replied immediately with a confident, “Definitely!”
As I walked away, she called out, “Oh, and your sister is the other editor.”
I did a 180, literally and metaphorically, and said, “Ah… that is, definitely in a very indefinite sort of way…”
“But David,” Elizabeth countered, “Think of all the babes!”
She had a point. Funnies editors, much like Mickey Mouse pants and sombreros, are irresistible to babes*. Plus, who doesn’t go for an opportunity to show everyone that they’re the superior sibling?
So here I am, pouring my sophomoric humor onto the page (Get it? I’m a sophomore. Ha. Oh, fine. Jeez, tough crowd). I suppose I should start with a bit about myself:
I switched majors between first and second year from Physics to BioChemistry (Hmm… there’s major potential for puns here, but I can’t think of any right now…).
If you want to know who I am (of course you do) (especially if you’re a babe), I’m the guy on campus with the ridiculous haircut, courtesy of my co-editor’s complete lack of artistic ability with a hair buzzer. Fortunately, my devilishly good looks make up for it.
I’m rooming with an RA, which means I’ll have to carry out all my illicit activities — not eating my veggies, staying up after bedtime, only brushing and flossing my teeth once a day — with all the predatory stealth of Ryan Sensenig stalking grass in the Serengeti.
A major improvement for this year (there’s that major pun!) is that I no longer have ICC (pronounced “ick”) wasting 3 hours of my life every week. Instead I use my free time to go back to my dorm and do productive things, like finally finish that room condition report… After I check email, that is… and Facebook… and maybe a quick game of 2048… and – ohnoI’mlateforclassgottashoveleverythinginmybackpackandrun… Needless to say, my productivity has increased tenfold.
So, that’s me! Other than the fact that my co-editor is as smelly as walk-a-mile is awkward, I look forward to a great year full of satire, stupid puns, better hair, and of course, babes. I think this year will be a major success!
*Bill Watterson, author of Calvin and Hobbes, is my go-to source for dating advice. Hey, it works for six-year-olds…