As some preppy tween blogger has probably said at some point, this fall’s hottest accessory is a boyfriend. And since Goshen is a fashion-forward place (and by that I mean Kate Brooks is fashionable and she goes here), it only makes sense that all you ladies and gentlemen who are interested in gentlemen are currently wondering how to get your hands on such a delicacy1. Have no fear, Goshen College! As someone who is currently on page 531 of Anna Karenina, has seen Titanic 18 times, and has, as of Sunday, been dating a real live2 human being/footnote contributor for an entire year, I’ve got your back! I don’t think I could be more qualified to write this article if I tried.

While finding a real boyfriend in a world of Goshen dating may seem more confusing than the idea of a ResLife progressive through the dorms3, these step by step instructions will have you in a wildly successful relationship4 in no time.

Step 1: Sufficiently stalk him. Follow him everywhere and memorize his schedule and the routes he takes to each class. This way, you can run into him 4-5 times a day and he’s bound to recognize you eventually! Memorizing his schedule will also be useful when you’re eventually dating him, because you can remind him when he has class and of other obligations that he’s sure to forget about5.

Step 1.5: Sufficiently Facebook stalk him. Boys like it when you like a bad photo of him6 from 2009. It’s how they know you care.  Also, the more Facebook notifications7 he gets from you, the more likely he is to remember your name.

Step 2: Bombard him on Snapchat. If the two of you don’t have the yellow heart, you’re doing it wrong.

Step 3: Make yourself look good. Basically, just be good at everything. Alternatively, be Simon Weaver8.

Step 3.5: Make yourself look good. As you should know by now, your looks are the most important thing about you. At least once a week, take off the jeans you spilled salsa on last week and wear something that will catch his attention9, like a graphic tee that says “I’m single!”10 or booty shorts with the words “please date me” across the back in glittery letters11.

Step 4: By this point, the object of your affections is sure to have noticed you, which means you can start spending time together. If you’re looking for an in, I recommend going to his room and casually asking if he has any ibuprofen, and then just sitting down and overstaying your welcome (this is a spin-off of a timeless classic). You could also pull a Lindsay Lohan and pretend to be bad at math to get homework help and consequent hang out time, which I tried with Andrew Snyder for about 10 seconds freshman year before I realized he wears too much orange for me.

Step 5: Carpe diem and just ask him out on a date (a real date, not a Goshen date)12 because you’re a confident, empowered woman (or man) who goes after what she or he wants! The worst that happens is he says no and you get to complain about him with your friends13. The best that happens is you have a reason to go to Venturi and see all of Goshen College working there!

Note: you can technically skip steps 1-4 and step 5 will still be just as effective, but where’s the dignity in that? Everywhere. The dignity in that is literally everywhere.

1. We prefer the term “man candy”

2. Legally, I was dead for 7 minutes in July

3. Which got a great start on the best floor, K4

4. Read: “wild relationship”

5. The only way I remember anything

6. Non-existent

7. 1 like = 1 respect

8. For clarification, Simon Weaver does not have a boyfriend

9. Salsa-Jeans will also catch his attention but not like you want them to

10. A shirt like this would be a self-fulfilling prophecy

11. For most guys, letters would be optional

12. No, you do not have to leave Goshen

13. This will eventually happen even if he says “yes”