Reading the stars is an art. For star-ters, it helps to be pretty good at Morse code, connect-the-dots and engaging in sophisticated wordplay that enables the construction of a system conforming to a paradigmatic expectation (also known as making things up.) Fortunately for you, I have expertise in all of these areas, and I have done the hard work for you.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)

You are lucky enough to share a sign with me, your humble author. You are wise, kind, charismatic and intelligent. The stars are with you this week; you will find helpful strangers at every turn. I am not sure how they got to every turn and to be honest that may be a bit creepy, but such is the life of a blessed one such as you.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

You are donut-shaped.*

Unicornius (March 21 – April 21)

This lesser-known astrological sign is bright this week, signaling that you will not shave for the next several months, due to a recent phenomenon known locally as “Kick-Off.”

Polaris Bearum (May 21- May 23)

Your days are numbered: the glaciers are receding. Enjoy your life while it yet remains. Count your blessings. At least your astrological sign isn’t Cancer.

Big Dipper (May 24 – May 26)

These are named after constellations, right? Right. So, if you’re a big dipper, you’ll have a great week of, I don’t know, continuing to combust hydrogen and shine brightly.

Little Dipper (May 27 – May 29)

Jupiter’s fifth moon completes the 1,283rd partial hexagonal lunar eclipse at the stroke of midnight, Eastern time, in the Nigerian zodiac, so (naturally) your week will be the same as the big dipper, but littler.

Pluto (May 30 – May 31)

Unfortunately, you are no longer a planet. But that doesn’t mean you can’t live up to your dreams. Just remember to always brush and floss, wear sunscreen, and look both ways before you cross the orbit of Neptune.

That One Crab Thing Or The Lion Or Whatever (June 1 – Feb. 19)

The stars say that donating baked goods to local funnies editors will increase your luck and sex appeal tenfold.

Good luck navigating the fates of the stars this week. When in doubt, remember that the stars smile upon baked goods.

*This is a math joke, but technically, it is still a joke.