Hello again, dear readers. I don’t know if you have realized this yet, but this issue of The Record is the last one of the year! Another spring semester has come and gone and for many of you that just means May term, summer, then another year. But some of us, like myself, will be leaving this magical fantasy land we call Goshen College and departing for a different magical fantasy land called Madison, WI. As such, I have decided to present all you underclassmen and returning students with a gift. Besides taking classes, which we all know are optional, this list consists of actions that you must take before you walk in front of Mr. President, grab your degree and run off-stage before anyone can take a picture. Now, without further ado, I present you with the top ten stereotypical Goshen things to do before you graduate:
Goshen date. Awkwardly hang out with someone you like and who likes you without doing anything except for watching television shows and discussing the weather. You know, the usual.
Rage about the establishment. Jeez, doesn’t Goshen’s administration just make you want to listen to heavy metal, grunge or angry rap? Yeah, I hate all the education and opportunities that they provide to us. What a drag.
Take a women’s studies course and use it to justify semi-sexist ramblings. I’m talking to all the men here, but I’m not being sexist because I have taken women’s studies classes. As a man, that makes me educated and it means I can never marginalize anybody.
Complain about injustice in the world on Facebook. Seriously, reposting statuses about violence all over the world makes me such a better person. I can enact change just by sitting in my living room! (Don’t let this one get out of hand by actually volunteering or protesting.)
Walk awkwardly by somebody you know without making eye contact. If you think you know somebody, but don’t think that they will know you, the best course of action is to pretend that either you’re too cool to say hi to them or you don’t know them at all. Odds are they’re doing the exact same thing.
Confuse a non-Mennonite student for an international student. Just ask one of the baseball or basketball players what country they came over from. It’s foolproof.
Confuse Tijs Buskermolen for a domestic student. Make sure you’re really specific too, like asking “what county in Ohio did you live in?” or “how many minutes did you drive to get here?”
Forget your ID card to the Rott and beg Elsie to let you in anyways. Sometimes it works and sometimes she just makes you go back to your room. This is why it always pays to smile at the cafeteria staff.
Make a top ten list and only include nine things. Check. Graduation complete.
-Brian “The Lion” O’Leary