Oddly enough, I sometimes have to make sure that something gets written in the funnies page. This involves either a) doing it myself, which takes work, or b) getting someone else to do it, which takes work, but not my work. Naturally, I choose option b whenever possible. Or try to.

“Haha!” say the people I thought were my friends when I ask them. “Maybe! Oh look, an important engagement! I’d better go engage with it!”

Pretty soon, they are mere relieved-looking specks receding into the distance at top speed.

As I stand there scratching my head in confusion, I realize my problem: people are worried about their picture looking bad in The Record! So all I have to do is give a quick fashion lesson to all you yahoos and pretty soon I’ll receive a plethora of confident applications! Here we go:

First and foremost, pink visors are cool. Especially if they’re stained. Whether you wear one backward, forward, upside down or dangling from your ear, nothing says “swag” like that neon accessory gracing your head.

Painted fingernails are another got-to-have aspect of your trippin’ new look. Aside from simply being super sexy, as an added benefit you can put your initials on your thumbs to remember that your name is Doofenschmertz Jengles or something. The best place to do this is Art Club. Which occurs every Wednesday at 9 pm in the Art Building. Hint, hint.

I can’t write a fashion article without talking about hair! Hair is key. Now, we happen to be approaching the glorious time of year known as “No-Shave November”. So let it go, don’t shave it back any more, and let the storm rage on… as in the leg hair.

Well, that’s all my fashion advice for now. With my guidance, you’ll be even prettier than the men’s soccer coach, Arron Patrick. Well, probably not. But at the very least you’ll look great as you race away to your important engagements.