Well, it’s Tuesday night and I’m writing a Funnies article again. Unfortunately, my brains seem to be dripping out of my nose at an alarming rate, so if this stops making sense, I guess you’ll just have to weonvoi sdlkjw.

Kidding. Brains are still there (mostly), all efforts of my cold and/or zombies aside.

Speaking of cold, let’s talk about this weather. Living off campus this year is great, not least because iChad Coleman isn’t coming by to check if we’ve lit any candles. However, I can’t crank the thermostat up to 80°F (or 80°C, for that matter) and let the school pay for it.

It’s tragic, but I’m brrrave.

Instead, I’ve come up with a number of tried (mostly) and true (probably) money-saving measures for off-campus dwellers.

Keep your thermostat at 24.7°F. This temperature is just warm enough that you will probably retain several of your fingers. You and your housemates will likely have a bit of friendly bloodshed over the blankets available in the house. This has the added advantage of keeping you warm through physical activity while simultaneously engaging in a house bonding activity.

Don’t flush your toilet: reduce your water bill. This is even easier if you follow #1 and your pipes freeze! Remember what they always say: “If you gotta poo, go on campus to do the doo.”

Cover all of your windows with cardboard to reduce heat leakage. One bonus of this is that it makes your house like living in a cave, which will remind you of hibernation, which will help your body to put on the extra fat you need to make it through the winter.

Instead of using the oven or microwave, use your old textbooks to build a cooking fire combustion reaction.

Move in with Chad! If you’ve tried all of the above options and your bills still aren’t low enough for your budget, remember that Chad always says living on-campus can be cheaper. I hadn’t found any particularly cheap housing solutions until I finally realized he meant we should just move in with him! Note: I think he has fewer couches than there are students at Goshen, so this housing option will be first come, first serve.

Don’t get sick. Kleenexes are expensive. Dripping snot does add an organic touch to ceramics pieces, though.