Do You Hair What I Hair?

Halloween is over at last, and you know what that means: ‘tis the season for the best holiday of the year.

It’s beginning to look a lot like the time to put away your razor (until the spring, when it’s time for hair removal via weed whacker). On a completely unrelated note, it’s also the time to avoid getting Christmas songs stuck in your head.

In honor of the season, and following the advice of the communicator, I pre-gamed all of October–in Java, in the apartments, really everywhair I went.

Thanks to my extensive not-shaving preparation, I expect to have a leg up in my upcoming shampoo commercial auditions. I can picture the scene already: thick, luscious leg hair blowing freely and gloriously while triumphant background music plays.

As for facial hair, I’ve been working on that for 21 years, and let’s just say some of my friends call me “Dumbledore” for short. If you don’t have that kind of street cred, at the very least you can avoid taking the route of a certain Funnies Co-Editor who shaved off his eyebrows instead.

No Shave November is soon followed by “Don’t Shave December”, “Jubilantly not Shaving January”, and “Failed to come up with a clever term for it February.” The season offers both obvious insulation benefits and numerous leg landscaping opportunities.

This winter, I’ll be going retro. My leg hair will be sporting frosted tips, like my hero, Justin Timberlake, did in the 90s. This creates an ombre effect along the length of each hair, which you’ll note sounds like the Spanish word “hombre”, which is how you know I get all the guys.

You might not be shaving in the shower anymore, but that doesn’t mean you no longer have an excuse to turn the dorm bathrooms into a sauna. As you embrace your inner caveperson, you’ll find that it is crucial to remember to condition your new fur coat and check for fleas. The inevitable heat death of the universe is no excuse not to care for your coiffure.

This month, remember: Let it grow, let it grow. You may end up with Frozen songs stuck in your head, but–and I may be splitting hairs here–at least they’re less hair-raising than Christmas songs.