The Record’s fall 2023 funnies editors (and resident personality diagnosis buffs) just dropped an exclusive new identity evaluation questionnaire. 

According to their expert analysis, it is “not not guaranteed to completely and without a doubt not disappoint patrons even in the slightest bit or even not at all!” Think of the Enneagram quiz, but significantly more accurate, impressive and thorough. In short, if you are a wandering soul, worry no more! Complete the quiz below and finally find yourself!

Question 1: Select the picture that you most resonate with.

Question 2: Fill in the blank: A perfect afternoon includes…

A) A warm coffee, an interesting book, and a fuzzy blanket 

B) An interesting peach, a fuzzy walk, and a warm friend 

C) A fuzzy beach, a warm kite, and an interesting dog 

Question 3: Choose the answer with which you most agree. 

A) Yes to cherry tomatoes; I love to pop them in my mouth and let the juices dribble down my chin. 

B) No to cherry tomatoes; they are like grapes but weirdly terrible and disappointing. 

C) I am indifferent to cherry tomatoes. 

Question 4: Fill in the blank: When I read the word “COLLAGEN” I think of… 

A) Protein 

B) Gluing little strips of paper and magazines together to create a hodgepodge artistic design 

C) What is collagen  

Scoring: Follow the directions below and determine your acute personality type! 

Mainly A answers: You are “the whisperer.”  

You have a unique way of connecting with people. We’re serious. You speak really quietly and are hard to understand a lot of the time!!! Lately, it’s been annoying your friends but they feel weird addressing it since it’s mostly just a minor inconvenience. Everyone around you is nodding and smiling and saying “yeah” constantly because they are tired of asking you to repeat yourself. 

Mainly B answers: You are “the falcon.” 

Congratulations! You are going to succeed in everything you ever do in the future and everyone loves you so much! Never change! 

Mainly C answers: You are “the anarchist.” 

I’ve been trying to reach you, please don’t forget to fold your laundry and thaw the chicken before I get home from work. – Mom