Dear Captain Advice,

There’s this guy that I like, but he only sits with soccer guys at the Rott. How can I maximize my chances of standing by him in the lunch line, or even sitting by him in the Rott?

–“Hungry and Frustrated” on Yoder 4

Dear “Hungry,”

Patience is key.  I would recommend waiting crouched in the bushes, and then when you see him… you pounce. Jump in line behind him. Steal his ID card once you get there (secretly of course). When he gets ready to swipe his card, say, “Is this yours? I think you dropped it.” Make sure to brush his hand when you give back the card. You’ll also want to slip him your phone and social security number. Now disconnect your phone for 3 weeks or so. He will be so insanely curious where the random mystery number is from that when you finally reconnect your phone the two of you will talk for six to 12 hours (hopefully you’re not a boring person). Then create a fake e-mail address and send him an e-mail that says soccer practice is canceled (so he will be the only soccer player in the cafeteria).  Go to the Rott at the same time as him and pay off your friends to fill up every single table except for one. When you end up at the same table, reveal to him that you are the person he talked with on the phone and his soul mate. There are probably other ways to talk to him but this should be your simplest and easiest bet.

Good luck,

Captain Jacob

Captain Advice, also known as Jacob Landis-Eigsti, will answer any and every question you may have about college, life, or love.