Last Saturday I was elected “King of Goshen College” at Goshen’s first-annual masquerade ball. Candidates were chosen based on the quality of their masks, and I was elected through a complex cheering process. I’d like to acknowledge that the stunning mask I wore was actually provided to me by my Grandma Miller. Thank you, Grandma Miller.

You can rest assured that the new title has already gone to my head. I have begun to make use of my absolute power by ordering my housemates to and fro. They are still learning to respect my authority. A transition of power such as this will inevitably take time to settle in. I can only assume I am king for life, and that my children will inherit the throne when the time is right (on a related note, when will my throne be ready?).

But do not fear, my faithful peasants – I am not the sort of king that sits around all day simply basking in the glow of his wintry kingdom. Nay, I have already prepared a list of decrees to ensure the sanctity of our kingdom.

I trust my declarations will take immediate effect. I bid you good day.

– John “Tall John, King of Goshen College” Miller