First things first: you won’t get convo credit for reading this article. Sorry. Unless maybe you do something really nice for Becky Horst, but then I think it’s just bribery and not related to this article.

As I sat in Chapel last Wednesday, watching former Howell House residents tell their faith stories, I realized—horror of horrors!—that I will never make a Senior Faith statement. Unless I print one here.

I’ve also been thinking about what I’ll do after graduation. I’ve decided to write a book. I think maybe I’ll call it “The Bible,” and it’ll probably be a worldwide bestseller.

Of course, nothing is perfect as a first draft. My book is still a rough draft, but with some editing I think it has the potential to be something great—one might even say divine.

For example, I love this bit from the chapter I’m calling “Psalm 23”: “You anoint my uterus with blood; my Diva cup overflows.” Inspirational, right?

Another one I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is Proverbs 3: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (of quantum physics).”

On the other hand, the beginning needs some work. Right now, Leviticus is just an arbitrary list of rules. Maybe I’ll just skip it entirely.

I have to admit, coming fresh out of Healthy Bodies Week, my writing has a decidedly feminist bent. I wrote Song of Songs right after, ah, coming from the female masturbation discussion. It’s quite the book. 1 Queens and 2 Queens aren’t half bad, either. But 1 Corinthians really takes the cake with great lines like “A woman can wear her hair however the heck she wants to,” and “The head of a wife is herself, and who’s to say a woman has to become a wife, anyway?”

People will get tattoos of my words to keep on their bodies forever. I can picture, even now, beautiful body decorations like a butt tattoo that says “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”

But I don’t want to spoil everything. You’ll have to buy the book to read my Ten Comwomandents.