For the last four years, I have eagerly awaited each Kick Off audition. Sometimes I even scrolled down far enough in the Communicator to see the announcement that auditions would be happening.

This year, I decided I would finally kick myself into gear and actually audition. I have always longed for the glory of embarrassing myself in front of the entire student body, so I set about brainstorming.

Based on a careful analysis of all previous Kick Off acts, I believe the best possible act would be an original composition of a popular-but-not-too-popular song involving orchestral instruments, dancing, most if not all of the student body, a really impressive moment involving unicycles and probably fireworks.

Unfortunately, my actual talents include doing math and plunging toilets. Also, there’s no “Unicycling” category on the audition sign-up page.

I briefly considered a seasonally-themed performance, like “Watching Ice Melt.” However, the ice will not be melting around here until at least March, and two months is about 43,245 minutes above the audition time limit.

It was quickly becoming evident that I would need to resort to other means to get into Kick Off this year. The obvious solution: bribery.

Upon this realization, I dug all of my worldly treasures out of my pockets. These included a gum wrapper, a mysterious electronic thing, two paperclips and a teabag. The teabag was Earl Grey, which is pretty classy, so I figured I had a chance. On the other hand, I really like Earl Grey tea, so I drank it instead.

Meanwhile, I sent the gum wrapper to Katie Dwyer-Zeman in campus mail. I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of it. With that bribe on board, I’m pretty much guaranteed to have a successful audition.

Now that I had a sensational act figured out and I knew I’d definitely get in, it was time to think about costumes. The easy solution was to go in the nude, but I think that would require a higher bribe—probably at least three gum wrappers.

One way or another, I’ll find a way onto the Kick Off stage this semester.

I may have to use a map.