The floor has become your laundry basket and the mountain-high piles of clothing in your room have literally become a fire hazard. The distinct stench of the Rottlawn Dining Hall has permeated every item of clothing you own—including, mysteriously, your undergarments.You’re taking on a big load this semester, you’re pressed for time and thoughts are cycling through your head on tumble dry low. You’ve lived at college for almost three weeks, and so far you’ve avoided the mere sight of the laundry room.
Since you don’t want to deter gents or ladies, you might want to Wisk away the odor and declare this the Era of cleanliness by starting your first load of laundry this semester.
But you’re in for a pleasant surprise: you’re going to have a quarter of the problems you had last year. Or at least, you’re going to have a lot more quarters.
Because—get a load of this—the new laundry machines installed on campus, by some heaven-scent miracle, now allow you to do laundry for absolutely free.
The Tides have turned. The old coin-operated machines have been hung out to dry. It’s a frugal Mennonite’s dream come true.
Here’s a laundry list of ways you’ll Gain from the presence of these quarterless machines:
You no longer have to deliberate at the cash register to ensure you receive only quarters in change.
You no longer have to hoard quarters in the dragon’s den of your desk, protecting them from needy passersby.
You no longer have to buy excess underwear and socks in order to reach your two (or three or four) week limit.
You no longer have to participate in money laundering.
Don’t be brainwashed into thinking all your laundry problems will be ironed out by these new machines. After all, the dryers are still designed for the dual purpose of eating your socks and shrinking your sweaters to fit an eight-year-old.
However, these new machines won’t hamper you for long. After you’ve finished your first load, revel in your fresh, Downy clothes, and give thanks to the gods above (or Chad Coleman) for implementing change and putting a positive spin on the tedious task of laundry.
Note: I’ll do a load of laundry for the first person to correctly circle All the puns in this article and present them to me. —Kate Yoder