Hey kiddos,This is your past-but-not-present-or-future Funnies Editor speaking. Much has changed since I last bestowed my peer-reviewed “pretty funny, I guess” writing upon this venerable publication.
As one of the few surviving members of the last non-CORE class, it is my duty to bemoan every change that ever happens. With further ado, I will explain the worst of these campus changes.
First, I must introduce myself again. You might have encountered me walking through campus as I struggled to decide whether to make eye contact with you and utter some sort of greeting or look off into the distance, oblivious to the human being approaching me.
“Wow, the sidewalk/that tree/the native prairie grasses look super interesting today,” I probably thought, my complete attention captured by one of the aforementioned items. My confidence soared as I proudly displayed my ability to interact with inanimate objects.
Anyways, without any further ado whatsoever, here is the offending happenstance that flapped my unflappable being: Convo and Chapel now occur on Wednesdays. I have named this crisis the “Catastrophically Cataclysmic Convo-Chapel Calamity,” henceforth referred to as CCCCC.
The CCCCC brings to mind a plethora of questions. How could this “radical reformation” occur without any consultation of the student body, other than that Convo-Chapel survey everyone took last year?
And how, my soul asks, can I be expected to attend an event that goes against the week-to-Convo-Chapel ratio so firmly etched into the fiber of my being?
Now, I’m a pretty big proponent of tradition. If we’ve always done something one way, we should probably keep doing it that way. I mean, civil rights and yadda yadda yadda, but come on. Tradition!
It’s like if the Sabbath were originally on Saturdays, and then, suddenly, in A.D. 321, Emperor Constantine decided it should be on Sundays instead. Thank goodness that never happened.
As the humble co-designer of the glorious ¡Encuentro!-themed Chapel banner, I must clarify that this artistic artifact was artfully intended for Friday display only. I mean, if I have to pick a day of the week to “¡Encuentro!” anyone, it better be Friday.
How to mourn this tragic loss of Convo on Monday and Chapel on Friday remains unresolved. I would wear black, but I have kind of a navy blue theme going this year, and I don’t want to shake up my fashion scheme with an additional neutral color.
I’ve also recently heard the idea (perhaps a little maple leaf told it to me) of holding protests by invading the Church-Chapel on Fridays at 10 a.m. and staging an impromptu Chapel. If you’re interested in this idea, let me know, and I will ignore your email and never reply.