Let me begin by saying that I was duped into writing this article. Becca Kraybill, our fearless leader, took advantage of my SST-induced delirium this summer, and I’ve somehow ended up working for the Funnies page. Luckily, Jonny Hersh had already agreed to be my partner in crime.

In order to “appeal to my audience,” and “be personable,” I figured I would tell a bit about myself.

Point, the first – coffee does in fact stunt your growth. When doctors told me they expected me to stand well over eight feet as an adult, I quickly began drinking espresso by the liter.

Point, the second – while in Senegal this summer, two Gambian men working in a health clinic told me that, “each time we see you … more and more … we love you too much.” That’s probably the funniest thing that has happened to me in awhile.

Resolved to our fate as co-editors of the Funnies, Jonny and I found inspiration in President Brenneman’s recent speech hailing passionate learning. Although I was planning to write the majority of my articles poking fun at screen-poking first-years, President Brenneman’s recent “who loves iPads?” poll left little doubt that the student body’s passions lie elsewhere.

With that said, I feel I must remind our first-years that pinching Phil’s B-Fast Gig in print may not have the desired zooming effect you’ve grown accustomed to. Now, pinching Phil, could be an altogether different matter. I may have just decided upon my new weekly series – “Pinching Phil.”

As for my own passions, I dabble in a bit of bass playing, pie making, and jumbo-sized bike riding. I’ve also recently started performing quite poorly on the banjo. In an overly complicated ruse to achieve hipster status, I’ve decided I will cause enough of a ruckus on the banjo that it is no longer considered “hip.” Once the trusty folk axe has fallen out of style, I will practice like crazy to get good at it before anyone else thinks it’s cool.

I’ll liken my plan to the closing of Goshen’s swimming pool. Filling the pool with cement is actually laying the foundation for an ingenious plan. Once swimming is no longer popular we’ll be in the perfect position to chip that bad boy open, and become aquatic visionaries.

So buckle up and get ready to ride the funny express; a one-way ticket on the J-train. Jonny and I have roped in some much more talented writers than ourselves, and can’t wait to sit back and see what they come up with. In the meantime, I’m going to go steal a first-year’s iPad, and start pinching Phil.